I have a character defect. Actually, I have several, but this one is especially troubling. It doesn't involve controlled substances or sex or inflicting bodily harm on anyone, including myself, but I'm not willing to share its exact nature at this point.
Just know that it is one that causes me deep shame and anguish, and has plagued me for as long as I can remember. Further, it seems to have a life of its
own. When it rears its ugly head, I feel like there's another person inside of my head controlling me.
It is NOT a voluntary impulse, and I cannot stress that enough.
Logic tells me, however, that there is no other person inside my head. It is just another side of me that I need to learn to control. And believe me, there is no question, it is definitely a character defect.
Okay, long story short, this week that side of me was awakened. These awakenings are always triggered by a particular opportunity that is presented to me.
Once that side of me is awakened, it feels like it takes an act of God for me to fight the urge to do the wrong thing.
I am ashamed to admit that not often have I been able to fight the urge. Thankfully, there is only a small window of opportunity when these temptations are
placed before me, AND the opportunities are few and far between (like not even once a year - or several years could go by).
ANYWAY, I'm proud to say that this time I, me, the person I want in control of my actions, took control and denied the temptation and fought the urge, and did the right thing. I feel really good about that, and I'm so grateful that I took the high road, when it would have been far easier, at that moment, to give in to this shitty character defect.
I don't know where this flaw comes from because every fiber of my being knows that acting on these impulses is wrong, wrong, wrong. Not only that, but I could go to jail or prison by acting on them. Why in God's name would I ever risk THAT again? I don't know. Seriously. That's insane.
Also, this is the first time I've ever admitted or alluded to this problem I have; I know I'm being vague, but I'm so ashamed, and I don't understand it, and I don't know where it comes from.
I feel really good about how I handled it this time, and I really needed to share. I think doing so will help me become stronger for the next time.
