Even on the days one gets 1001 things done, most of those days you 'think' you are getting things done but spend hours and hours concentrating on things that after all are completely useless. It even feels like one lives in a hyper-reality or a reality that is separate from our normal -seemingly boring- reality.
Yet, this hyper reality is obviously artificial. The race for speed begins, the clock starts ticking twice as fast and it leads you to believe in what meths wants you to believe in. Months, years or decades later you finally wake up and ask yourself, how did this happen to me?You 'became' this artificial person and slowly you began to believe you were right and everyone else is wrong. You felt you were getting things done when you were not. You were doing it for money, your family, a way to get up out of bed in the morning or a million of other excuses. Meth tells you it is only temporal, you will be just fine. It made you break your promises to quit over and over while betraying your deepest values.
When you finally 'wake up' then you continue searching for that answer: What positive things did I got get out of meth?
I guess, even the worst things in life have some kind of a positive side. Or maybe, I'm still possesed and making excuses for my bad decisions. Either way, I think I've learned some things and that I now finally know, at a high price.
I saw two posts that got my attention tonight. One of a girl that got beat up by her loved one and finally decided to leave him. I have a friend that went through the same thing although my friend was the actual offender. After reading this lady's post I finally realized that my friend did this to his girlfriend because of meth. He also slowly but surely became schizophrenic. All this side effects are true and I've finally seen it first hand. My friend lives in this hyper reality and he swears that it is ok what he is doing. The other post was from a personal trainer that moved to L.A. (welcome to California bud ). To make a long story short, everything this guy said I could relate to.
In both cases, if I got anything positive out of meth, was to be able to RELATE and UNDERSTAND others. While I never understood that my friend was schizophrenic and later what lead my friend to become like that, now I know. The hours that my friend would keep me on the phone and his need to always talk to someone, now I know because I did it myself to other friends. I never understood how people fall into drugs, what if feels like and how all of it works - now I know. Now I know how to talk to a drug addict, now I know why people makes some wrong decisions with drugs, now I know meth doesn't discriminate whether you are a personal trainer, college graduate, rich or poor, male or female, black or white. Now I know you can ALSO be an addict from a relationship with a meth addict! Now I know the difference between a regular life and addicts life and I have gained so much appreciation for being able to be normal and not take anything for granted. When you have dreams and goals, you cannot rush them - now I know the right thing to do is to build bit by bit everyday and that with time it accumulates to that dream or goal. You can literally accomplish anything over time if you consistently work on it everyday.
I've been sober for only five days. I've been eating and sleeping A LOT. It hasn't been bad because of the holidays but I can tell you is not something I want to do again. I don't want to relapse again. I truly feel this time around I learned my lesson and I don't want to go trough this sluggishness again. Don't get me wrong, recovery is not bad or uncomfortable, it actually feels good to rest! Having a cold or the flu is ten times worst than this, you just have to have a set time to take a break and what better time than the holiday season!
Did you get anything positive from meth addiction?