I'm gonna do it - it's going to be a HUGE surprise when I walk into my folks' 50th wedding anniversary party next Saturday. Around 3am, I sat
straight up in bed and heard, (as if there were someone in the room with me - not actually possible,) distinctly say, "GO!" I don't question
these things anymore, so the ticket has been purchased, and it is all turning out so exquisitely perfectly, I could not have "planned it" any better
- hmmmmmmmmm. . .
My oldest and dearest friend, (just THIS WEEK, mind you,) took a job about 5 mins from the airport, (60 miles west of her last job,) gets off around 5pm, (my
plane arrives at 4:59pm - not even exaggerating this!!) and she is going to take me home for that night and the next night. Friday, I will get everything
ready for her son's college graduation party - food and decorations, etc. - while she and everyone else has to work, (perfect or what???) then Sat. (my
folks' party starts at 3pm, and her son's party starts at 4pm - yeah it's divine intervention,) and she is going to drop me and my suitcase off at
the hall where my parents will drop their false teeth, (he, he, he)!!!
OMG, I haven't seen my baby girl in FOUR YEARS. I miss her so much. After my seizure Monday, I spent a few daze in the hospital with my vitals all f**t
up, so I had every test known to man, (every test,
.) I was scared I
would not make it out of the cath lab, (as always,) so I called the folks and told them I was scared and that I loved them all - unconditionally.
When I came through with flying colors, and my cardiologist said I could make the trip, I started to try to plan it, then mom started with her
"hooey" again after "beer-thirty" her time. I cancelled, citing the economy and that I was just too weak from the hospitalization. Dad
was really super disappointed, (but mom sounded relieved - ouchy,
.)
At any rate, my daughter actually phoned me after more than a year of silence, admitted to me that she had "slipped," and is now in outpatient. I
told her that: 1) I'm her mom and already sensed her use, 2) I love her no matter what, 3) I was incredibly proud of her, and 4) I missed her more than I
could express. She actually cried - REAL TEARS - not the "crocodile" manipulation tears of yore.
It was REAL EMOTION I heard in her voice. Then I cried like crazy when she told me she had recently had a mild heart attack from her meth use
- her own words - (she's only 23 years old.) When I couldn't stop crying, she said "Mom, please stop crying, it didn't do any damage to my
heart, but I know I can't use meth again," (Yes indeed, there IS a God, and He DOES answer prayers!!) She spoke candidly with me for the first time
in a long time, and I honestly believe she was scared enough to stop (heart attacks are NOT FUN!)
We talked until the phone went dead about our regrets and forgave each other for all the pain of the past. She didn't go into specifics, but then, who the
h*ll needs 'em??? She still sounds anxious about her bills, (piled up credit cards and student loans, etc.,) and we talked about what is most important in
life. She's going to be a licensed LVN in December. She was beating herself up about getting a "B" on her test that day. Like mother, like
daughter. . .anxiety-ridden perfectionists we are.
I am so determined to make this THE greatest trip, that I won't allow ANYTHING to phase me. If my mother brings up the meth issue, I plan
to dismiss her with, "Well, that's something Jess has to deal with." Then I will change the subject and just refuse to address it with her. I
want to spend quality time with my dad too, because this will likely be the last time I get to be with him. He's in very poor health, and is miserable in
his physical body. All his friends are passing away around him, and he's so tired of having to go through all the medical tests every two weeks, taking
handfuls of medications several times a day, (obviously we have strong cardiac/arterial issues that run in our fam coupled with anxiety disorders and
perfectionism.) I hope to take lots of pix and make lots of HAPPY memories over these next few weeks.
Second only to relationships with those I love, my most prized posessions have always been my photos and photo albums, (which my ex waited until the final hour
to send, knowing how much they meant to me,) and now I get to see them again and make new ones. I have only received a few photos of my daughter over the past
few years, so just being able to see, hug and hold her in my arms again means the world to me. If one of the six planes I have to take back and forth crashes
down, I only pray it would be AFTER the visit, then I could honestly say my life would be complete!!!
You know, it's been a tough road for me for some time, and this place -KCI - it's been much more than a "place." You all have taken the
place of my family when things were not so great. How can I even express my gratitude? Rox, Niner, Pen, Doc, Sfj, and so many more I can't even name you
all - you prayed for me and mine when you didn't even know me. I'm fairly sure I would have offed myself without all your support and caring. If she
gives me permission, I hope I can show you pix of the single most right thing I ever did in my whole life - my baby girl! I have no lectures for her, I have
no "I told you so's," and I have no grudges or hurt feelings left. I have only love, hope, and pride.
I don't see any possibility I could have been at this place in my life without the caring and support of KCI.
All my love and gratitude to all,
Starfishy <><
