There are so many thoughts and feelings....too many, and I don't know what to do with them or where to put them.
I last posted in March. I was off to rehab. I barely made 48 hours before the emotions got too tough to take. I came home, which of course upset EVERYONE. I
did ok...for a while. Soon, I was using again, but it was once or twice a month instead of every day. I needed to pass a hair follicle test that proved I had
3 months clean before I could have regular unsupervised visits with my 13 yr. old daughter. What should have taken me 3 months, took a year. I finally passed
that test in November..thought that it would be easy with 3 months under my belt. Nope. The day I passed that test, I got high. Soon after that, I had to go to
court with my ex. He decided he wanted to pay me half the amount of alimony he had been ordered to pay 6 yrs. ago. He won. The amount was cut in half. SO....I
got high. Then I did it a couple more times. I spent xmas eve and xmas day high...same for New Years. I feel worse everytime. I have enough experience in
active addiction (28 years) and in recovery (was clean for 5 years) to know how it all progresses. I go to meetings, lead meetings, but something in me keeps
me from total "surrender" when it comes to the program. Its like i'm afraid of losing a part of myself that has been there for sooo long. Its a
miserable part, but its a part that I know so well. It runs so deep. I know what to expect and I know how to live it better than any other way. Does that make
any sense? I cant figure out why, after losing so much to the addict inside (kids, money, my apt., my ability to work, trust, sanity, self-respect) I still
hold on to her so tightly. These last few times i've gone from smoking to injecting, which is something I havent done since I traded heroin for meth when I
was 19. I'm a selfish, stingy user, and moderation becomes nothing more than a word under "M" in the dictionary. I think a lot of it may have to
do with fear, but I can't seem to understand it past that. I need to, and I need to fast because i know that I don't have another long run in me. The
next 3 or 4 year binge will either kill me completely, or worse. Its something I won't come back from.
I focused so much on not using, that it took a while to hit me that I had started drinking quite a bit, and using any pills I could get my hands on. Xanax,
Soma, Vicodin......
I hate the holidays. Even with the anti-depressants, and the bi-polar meds, all I felt was a sense of dred and panic. I spent the days after xmas in bed.
Forget showering. Forget leaving my room. Forget answering the phone. I was so broke, I couldnt buy anything for anyone. I felt useless and broken.
In the last year, since my using had gotten farther and fewer between, I went from 125lbs, to 200 lbs...Super.
I live with my boyfriend. The relationship is toxic and ugly. He gets drunk every night and calls me great names like "stupid fat c*nt", tells me how
i'm the reason our relationship is in crash and burn mode, and basically how i'm selfish, useless, a !%%%+, and how one day i'll realise how much
he really did for me and then i'll see myself for the waste of life I am. This is a man I took in summer before last. It was his first day out of prison,
after doing 3 years for robbing a little old lady he worked for blind, and posession of quite a bit of speed. I paid the rent, got the dope and he was taken
care of. Of course he took total advantage but I was too high at the time to really care. I guess none of that matters now. I pay my half the rent. I dont
work. He does. He also gets up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and pees on the floor in our room. He manipulates, uses people, and lives in some kind
of alternate world where he is a saint who always gets crapped on by everyone around him...especially me. He accuses me of having all the negative traits that
are actually his..and he believes it.
My family lives in Vegas and have been nothing but supportive. My sister has offered to rent me a room, cheap, if I want to move there for as long as I want.
We're best friends and she is a "normie" who has never used drugs. My mom is also there. Its a safe place, away from everyone here, and away from
my boyfriend. Its a place where i won't have to worry all the time about just living and focus on me...stabilizing my meds, getting more involved in my
recovery in a positive enviornment, getting counceling, getting out of this destructive relationship with my boyfriend for good, becoming the mom I want to be
for my kids (3 are grown and 1 is 13) and learning how to live as a real-life, productive member of society. I'm scared. Part of me feels like leaving here
is like giving up. Its like admitting i'm a total loser, f*ck up who isnt strong enough to make it through this on my own. Its like i'm giving in to
failure. Then theres being that far from my kids. They have no idea i've been "dabbling" and they never need to know. How can I be so far away
from them? Especially the 13 yr. old. I've put her through so much and now I move from San Diego to Vegas? I feel like i'll be abandoning her. The 3
older ones support me in moving, and have promised to bring her to see me..but, if I can avoid leaving in the first place....
I'm totally confused. ..I don't know what to do or how to do it.
I just know I want off this roller coaster...for good.
