About 8:00pm last night, I got the addicts curse.
.....I locked down completely, and slept HARD, like I was drugged (but i was'nt)
from 8 last night, until 10 am today.
I feel so weird.
....I have some kinda major dark depression, I can't put my finger on the source.
I did'nt drink, smoke pot, do speed, or even have a ciggerette.
...I did'nt see the "ball drop" .....I did'nt look at TV, did'nt go on line.
I passed on the entire thing.
Usually, I feel relief for it being over...but, I don't.
....I feel down.
it's something else.....not that I can't/did'nt use.
....maybe, I feel weak, because I don't want to participate in "celebrations" at all?
or, I don't know how to participate?
..........................all I know how to do is wear the appropriate stupid hat.
I got enough on my mind without that....
*rimshot*
............I don't wanna wear a plastic "happy new year" tierra, and cover myself in glitter
and do speed, get drunk, or get stoned and eat.
I dunno what to do with myself.
....especially since IT'S OVER, and these feelings of unease remain.
I feel like I'm old or something.
.....like 175 years old.
I'm tired.
.....tired of fighting it, tired of thinking about it.
I've gotta change this year.
.........something has got to be worth living for.
but, I don't see it.
...I always have half the puzzle.
I can draw, but for what?
.............I can write, but for what?
I stock over night, and work like a trojen for almost nothing.
I'm always in a hurry to go....where?
................why am I in a hurry all the time? .....and I have NO TIME to spare it feels like.
I can't relax.
......even when I'm relaxing.
I'm constantly thinking, I should be doing something else....I live 2 hours in the future.
...never in the moment.
and not far enough into the future to help achieve anything.....tommorow never comes.
....only 2 hours will....and will I be ready in 2 hours?
no.
what's wrong with me?
.....I locked down completely, and slept HARD, like I was drugged (but i was'nt)
from 8 last night, until 10 am today.
I feel so weird.
....I have some kinda major dark depression, I can't put my finger on the source.
I did'nt drink, smoke pot, do speed, or even have a ciggerette.
...I did'nt see the "ball drop" .....I did'nt look at TV, did'nt go on line.
I passed on the entire thing.
Usually, I feel relief for it being over...but, I don't.
....I feel down.
it's something else.....not that I can't/did'nt use.
....maybe, I feel weak, because I don't want to participate in "celebrations" at all?
or, I don't know how to participate?
..........................all I know how to do is wear the appropriate stupid hat.
I got enough on my mind without that....
*rimshot*
............I don't wanna wear a plastic "happy new year" tierra, and cover myself in glitter
and do speed, get drunk, or get stoned and eat.
I dunno what to do with myself.
....especially since IT'S OVER, and these feelings of unease remain.
I feel like I'm old or something.
.....like 175 years old.
I'm tired.
.....tired of fighting it, tired of thinking about it.
I've gotta change this year.
.........something has got to be worth living for.
but, I don't see it.
...I always have half the puzzle.
I can draw, but for what?
.............I can write, but for what?
I stock over night, and work like a trojen for almost nothing.
I'm always in a hurry to go....where?
................why am I in a hurry all the time? .....and I have NO TIME to spare it feels like.
I can't relax.
......even when I'm relaxing.
I'm constantly thinking, I should be doing something else....I live 2 hours in the future.
...never in the moment.
and not far enough into the future to help achieve anything.....tommorow never comes.
....only 2 hours will....and will I be ready in 2 hours?
no.
what's wrong with me?
