So I've been around the "recovery" world for almost 4 years now. It feels like it's been longer than that.
I came to the recovery world because I was addicted to speed, I was hopelessly lost, abysmally depressed, and had absolutely no idea what I wanted in ANY
capacity of life. I was not that broken physically, but inside, I was already dead and putrid stinky. I knew I had terraces of bottoms lower than what I had
hit, but I was too dead inside to get there. Like how Suz said before: "I was too fukked even to feed myself more speed".
So in a way, I did surrender when I sought help in the rooms and on this site.
I went to rehabs over the period of a year, lots of meetings, had a few sponsors, and really really dove into recovery principles. Part of it was trying to
"figure it out", which is what I always do - I want to know what the "mechanism" is for everything, know "what their deal is".
Looking back, I was really gung ho about recovery because I wanted to get it over with and move on with my life.
So now that that's over with and I've moved on with my life, I wonder how much did I really surrender. Is it possible to have a "partial
surrender?" My seeming inability to give up alcohol for longer than a couple months at a time (and good god, did I try!) made me feel a mixture of a
failure (I am hopeless, I CAN'T stay sober, even though alcohol is not killing me the way meth was) and indifferent ("not all addicts are the
same, and apparently I am just not as addictive as I thought I was".)
I've surrendered enough to realize that I am not terminally unique, or not too good to get run over by the meth train (or the alcohol train) if I chose to
play in the tracks again. On the other hand, I have not surrendered enough to do what it takes to ACTUALLY keep off the tracks. You know what I mean?
The other side of this was the realization that I have suffered from untreated depression my ENTIRE LIFE. This was more of a wake up call than anything else,
and this is what I feel the REAL surrender has been for me. Now, I had been diagnosed with depression when I was in my teens, and jack *%%% was done to um,
treat it. The funny thing is, I was NEVER diagnosed with depression after quitting meth, I was just told that it looks like I was "suffering a
little" from depression, the diagnosis on paper was bipolar disorder, which I believe now is incorrect.
I didn't need a diagnosis for nuthin'... I finally figured out the hard way that I'd been carrying depression on my shoulders my whole life, and
now that I know what it feels like to not be that depressed, HELL NO will I EVER willingly accept that crap on my shoulders ever again.
I surrendered to the fact that depression, NOT METH took my life away, and I was willing to do whatever it takes to keep that shyt out of my brain chemistry
forever.
I used meth because it was the best anti depressant out there. I didn't feel crazy empowered on meth, I just felt BETTER. Unburdened. I don't really
miss speed anymore, but sometimes I do. I wish I was one of those speed freaks who hated alcohol, but wishing doesn't accomplish anthing so we'll just
nip that one at the bud.
So I guess here are my real questions:
Is there a such thing as a partial surrender?
If it ain't broke, do I still fix it?
Has anyone been in these shoes before?
