Thats what I want to know today. What makes me tick. I want to be able to identify my thoughts and emotions before I have a chance to react on them. I want to stop my old behaviors before I have to apologize for them. One of my abusive character defects is taking out my shat on other people. Usually the ones I love the most.
I dont do it much any more but I do do it. Like I said in my anger post the other day. I dont see it coming until its to late. To be truthful theirs a lot of things I dont see coming until its to late. My behavior sometimes blows my mind. Sadly its usually noticed in hind site.
I guess I have spent my whole life acting and reacting defensively or aggressively out of fear or arrogrance. Then pompously following my
nose through the situation. Never wandering for a minute if I might be the problem instead of the world around me.
The sad part being I never seen any reason to wander. I was to self centered to question my behavior. I had every right to feel or think what ever I wanted and
to hell with everyone else.
But now with a little clean time under my belt. I see so many errors in my ways. Whats scary is noticing them but not understanding why Im doing them. But at
least I am starting to notice them now. A sign of growth I suppose. So thats a good thing.
I know when I look in the mirror today I dont see that drug addict anymore. Im not sure who Im looking at. But his goal in life is to be a better him. He wants
to be rid of his self centeredness and to have his character defect and shortcomings removed. Damn maybe that is me. Thats what I want too.
I want to tear down the walls I built. Repair relationships Ive damaged. And I want to know what makes me tick. So I dont repeat the same
mistakes over again.
greg
