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its crazy how it wasnt until i got clean that i seen myself as a piece of sh:t.
and how all through my using years. i thought so highly of myself.
when i think about my addiction. i still haven't come to a conclusion as to whether i had or have a disease. or i simply did what i did because thats what greg wanted to do.
i know i was addicted to meth. but really in all honesty. the best i can remember. i did everything i did because thats what i wanted to do. no matter how sh:tty or how good what i was doing was. i was doing it because thats what greg wanted to do.
sick, selfish or blind? sounds a lot like selfishness to me. but im kinda biased when it comes to this topic.
when i finely quit using and began to see how selfish i had been. i think thats when i got sick. mentally and emotionally anyways. thats when i couldnt
understand or see what was happening. thats when i felt like i had lost control.
the only thing i felt like i had any control over was whether i used or not. and again i did the selfish thing. i did what greg wanted to do.
sick, selfish or blind? i dont really know. probably all of them.
but what i do know is that i am grateful to be where i am at today. clean and sober.
i dont know why i wrote this. i just wanted to write something. and this is what came out.
it is to the best of my knowledge. the way i see things right now.
greg
