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Robert, here is a quote of yours...
"lost track a while back on how many times I"v tried to quit"
That's a hell of a statement Robert.... And it just might say everything about your situtation that you need to know.
There used to be a really smart dude around here called "Leprechaun", he had a real gift of insight, I really wish he was here, not just for you,
but for me and all the folks here in recovery.
I dug up an old reply of his from a thread about "relapsing" that might help you out;
"If you look up the definition of relapse it uses words like fall,regress and slip, if we are real with our selves we know that whenever we use, it is a conscience decision by us to get high.
I know addicts who claim to be in recovery with sponsors,working steps going to meetings and yet running to denists and doctors to get medication for bad teeth or pain and abusing these meds but yet they swear they are still in recovery.
Do addicts relapse? IMO no, they just aren't done, if you are in recovery and relapse did you just give up on recovery? IMO you were never there, clean is addiction without dope, recovery is life.
I'm a stepper and have seen addicts turn their recovery over to a total stranger they call sponsors who sometimes arent in control of their own recovery so they try to control someone elses, notice I said try. Thats an interesting word (try).... throw a pencil on the floor and try to pick it up, you can't, either you do or you don't no trying involved.
So IMO people who only try to recover probably never will because its all or nothing, either you do or don't, and if you fall, regress or slip IMO you chose to give up, it just didn't happen. Didn't mean to ramble but I did. And if I offended someone with my opinons well thats about you and not me.
Much peace,
Lep
Robert, I hope that what Lep tried to tell us in that is as powerful to you as it was to me, and the Recovery which you seek is very close....very close
