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You wasted more time doing meth...you reason that it's too late for you to change, you might as well be what you "really are"
...... the "evil" you, becomes stronger, and has more influence,you begin to belive thats what you really ARE
it's voice is strong and unwavering,it says .....

...."do it until you die, you already wasted your life, it's over now!...why try to win?
.........you choose what you wanted to be,
....so be it.

......because the "real" you has become weaker, and more distant and hard to hear.

your spirit is worn thin, your brain is screaming this ain't working...feed me, dope is good! I won't work without it.

as time goes by...

you don't think of hiding the tin foil, and having enough lighters,scoring.....
and all the things that were priorities, in the life become passe.

now you are like the rest of the world, trying to catch up to be even again.

......you press on.
you start to think of other things to do with yourself that would make you happy.

....when you relapse,
you are OUTTA the hard knock life! free! everything seems so bright, you have all these ideas on how to fix your dull ass hard life, and keep going!...you wonder why you stopped! you are ALIVE and on TOP this time! life ain't so bad now!

then the bad things start happening.
.....you leave your debit card on a counter, lock your keys in the car with it running....dumb crap, that costs you..you do more cause you are so mad at yourself, to feel better...avoid things that would have made you happy before, but now you don't wanna do lunch with you mom, or see a movie with a friend.....
sheeeyat! you are too busy for sitting, you are busy LIVING! you think.
....
so you cancel, put it off, make another arrangement, forget, not show, loose your wallet, bla bla bla...


then things start coming back at you...
....friends are pissed, bills are past due, car windows broken from the key thing, your job fires you, you now are moving into your car, dope is'nt working anymore.

you quit again.

you got all this crap again...
...your brain is'nt functioning right, quitting does'nt put you back where you were mentally.

so you figure you are screwed either way.



People said:

"edison made 1000 mistakes, he failed 1000 times, in his attempts to invent the light bulb".

edison said:

"there was 1000 steps in the process of his invention,
...........there were'nt ANY mistakes, it was all necessary
to it's development"


Education
....is what comes from forgiving youself for learning the lesson.

this is what it takes to learn.

how many times will we beat our heads on that brick wall,
before we understand?
....I'm right there with you.

....If I smash my head against the wall one more time! it may be a different out come!...it MIGHT help.

...intresting, you get smarter and more damaged at the same time.

one day we'll say.


"Immma keep this little bit of brain I got left,
........and pass on the misery this time"

it reminds me of excercizing a muscle.

if you feed the demon.
...it gets strong. It says ...let's get dope,
I got ideas!....... you can't function with out dope!tard!
....and the universe seems to work against you like you are on the wrong side. Strange DARK freaky, bizarre, unexplicably ....too unlikely to explain, but it's there.

if you feed your soul,
your inner voice, the "knowing" one, and also the one that really loves you....and tries to save you, gets clearer,and starts whispering the answers to direct your life again, you dream, you have preminitions, esp, instinct, awareness.
...and strange wonderful miricles present themselves that you KNOW you would'nt have gotten using.
.....also unexplicable.

I have'nt had anything like that lately.
....I want to die so bad. I never will.

I was told to stop being myself in public.
.....how the hell do I do that?