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Today is a "special day". My birthday. But as an addict who has been working on recovery for 2 years now, it still isn't easy for me. Those
who don't know my story, here's the very short version: My primary addiction, my drug of choice, is food. I got mixed up in amphetamines in my
attempt to control my weight while still being able to "use" my drug of choice to cope with life. That resulted in a food addiction AND a
prescription amphetamine addiction. My life was completely unmanageable. I gave up the food before I could give up the speed. The pills gave me a false
sense of control over my weight. I was absolutely terrified to let them go.
I've been clean of all amphetamines since Jan 6th 2007. I've not found the need to binge on food since November 2007. Wedding cake got me. What started out as A harmless piece of cake to celebrate the wedding ended up in cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner within 3 days.
I now eat within guidelines that keep me away from foods and eating behaviors that trigger craving. Part of that includes eating only 3 meals a day, and abstaining from sugar and bread.
Although I've been "sober" from the food for over a year, that doesn't mean the thoughts don't come. And today, they are here.
It started yesterday when my friend and co-worker who is very familiar with my way of eating in recovery asked me what special treat I wanted for my birthday. He asked about donuts, cake, cup-cakes, cookies, etc. I let him know that Starbucks was really the only 'treat' that I participated in outside of my regular meals. And he respected that. But he just doesn't "get it" that I don't get a day off like a normal person. You know how a normal person can get drunk on New Year's eve, and then not crave a drink for months? But an alcoholic can't. Some people can party and get high on special days like Memorial Day Weekend, or the 4th of July. Some can't stop after they get started. That is how I am with sugar. Once I get started, I can not stop. It is both a physical and emotional addiction. Once I start, I am compelled to continue despite all consequences.
Special days are harder to not listen to the voice in my head that says "but everyone ELSE can do XYZ on THEIR birthdays!". It's never easy to admit and embrace the fact that I'm just not normal when it comes to food. I see people making exceptions to eat things they know they shouldn't ALL THE TIME. I simply can't afford to throw caution to the wind and eat whatever I want. Because what I want is an endless birthday cake with the best cream cheese icing. And I want to be able to eat as much as I want and have absolutely no reaction to it. Although I have not had anything remotely resembling cake in over a year, I can still taste it very acutely. The memory is very clear. I had a brief period of time when I could not remember what sweets tasted like, but alas, the memory did return. That memory is haunting me today.
What I know based on past experience is that once I take ONE bite of that sugary creamy goodness, I might as well main-line it. I will crave and crave and crave for days. I will be over-run with food thoughts all day long. I will not be able to concentrate at work or be "present" with my family. It will be almost impossible to NOT give in and eat SOMETHING that will satisfy that craving beast. I know good and well that should I have that bite, that I am tempting fate. I would be choosing to go back to the madness of my eating disorder, my food addiction, my guilt, shame, remorse, fear, and utter lack of control. The obsession to use amphetamines to control the consequences would be right around the next corner.
I know that the sane choice for me is to not have the first bite. Because then I don't have to fend off the 1,000th bite. Because then I get to go to bed tonight with no shame, no remorse, no guilt. No fear of what the scale will say tomorrow. No need to hunt down diet pills. No days on end of food thoughts and physical cravings. I experience pretty uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms from sugar. I have gone through withdrawal enough to know that what awaits me after a binge is headache, upset stomach, anxiety, restlessness, insomnia, extreme irritability and more lovely things that make it not so nice to be around me. It is, in fact, so uncomfortable that it led to continual relapse for me until my sponsor shared with me the tip that got me over the hurdle of withdrawal. That tip was this:
"You will not die of discomfort."
Sounds so obvious and simple, but when it's upon you, when the anxiety seems like it will never pass, when you are overwhelmed with the compulsion to just make it stop, it's a lot harder than it sounds.
So my addict brain has already gone to the next "phase" of manipulation, trying to hold me hostage. The next thought is "What about sugar free cake!" Sound almost reasonable, doesn't it? But I've tried that in the past, too. Having sugar-free desert, for me, is like an alcoholic having a non-alcoholic beer. My brain says "WTF? What was that? Where's the good shyt?" And the craving begins without ever getting the sugar-buzz to satisfy the addict in my head for even a minute. I tried for a long time to have "fake food". I found it always ended up with me in the "real food" because I couldn't stand the craving any longer.
So that leaves me with dinner.
Yup, that's what I'll have, dinner. Maybe Steak, salad, baked potato. I'll have a nice dinner. But it won't have cake. Cause I'm an addict. And I really don't want to go back to what it was like living from bite to bite.
I wish I were the person who could say "it's just cake, who cares?" But I'm not. I do care. And it pisses me off that I can't do whatever I want whenever I want!
So here I am sharing with you wonderful people. Reminding MYSELF what the consequences are in hopes that I can fend off my addiction for another day.
Have I mentioned I hate special days?
I've been clean of all amphetamines since Jan 6th 2007. I've not found the need to binge on food since November 2007. Wedding cake got me. What started out as A harmless piece of cake to celebrate the wedding ended up in cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner within 3 days.
I now eat within guidelines that keep me away from foods and eating behaviors that trigger craving. Part of that includes eating only 3 meals a day, and abstaining from sugar and bread.
Although I've been "sober" from the food for over a year, that doesn't mean the thoughts don't come. And today, they are here.
It started yesterday when my friend and co-worker who is very familiar with my way of eating in recovery asked me what special treat I wanted for my birthday. He asked about donuts, cake, cup-cakes, cookies, etc. I let him know that Starbucks was really the only 'treat' that I participated in outside of my regular meals. And he respected that. But he just doesn't "get it" that I don't get a day off like a normal person. You know how a normal person can get drunk on New Year's eve, and then not crave a drink for months? But an alcoholic can't. Some people can party and get high on special days like Memorial Day Weekend, or the 4th of July. Some can't stop after they get started. That is how I am with sugar. Once I get started, I can not stop. It is both a physical and emotional addiction. Once I start, I am compelled to continue despite all consequences.
Special days are harder to not listen to the voice in my head that says "but everyone ELSE can do XYZ on THEIR birthdays!". It's never easy to admit and embrace the fact that I'm just not normal when it comes to food. I see people making exceptions to eat things they know they shouldn't ALL THE TIME. I simply can't afford to throw caution to the wind and eat whatever I want. Because what I want is an endless birthday cake with the best cream cheese icing. And I want to be able to eat as much as I want and have absolutely no reaction to it. Although I have not had anything remotely resembling cake in over a year, I can still taste it very acutely. The memory is very clear. I had a brief period of time when I could not remember what sweets tasted like, but alas, the memory did return. That memory is haunting me today.
What I know based on past experience is that once I take ONE bite of that sugary creamy goodness, I might as well main-line it. I will crave and crave and crave for days. I will be over-run with food thoughts all day long. I will not be able to concentrate at work or be "present" with my family. It will be almost impossible to NOT give in and eat SOMETHING that will satisfy that craving beast. I know good and well that should I have that bite, that I am tempting fate. I would be choosing to go back to the madness of my eating disorder, my food addiction, my guilt, shame, remorse, fear, and utter lack of control. The obsession to use amphetamines to control the consequences would be right around the next corner.
I know that the sane choice for me is to not have the first bite. Because then I don't have to fend off the 1,000th bite. Because then I get to go to bed tonight with no shame, no remorse, no guilt. No fear of what the scale will say tomorrow. No need to hunt down diet pills. No days on end of food thoughts and physical cravings. I experience pretty uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms from sugar. I have gone through withdrawal enough to know that what awaits me after a binge is headache, upset stomach, anxiety, restlessness, insomnia, extreme irritability and more lovely things that make it not so nice to be around me. It is, in fact, so uncomfortable that it led to continual relapse for me until my sponsor shared with me the tip that got me over the hurdle of withdrawal. That tip was this:
"You will not die of discomfort."
Sounds so obvious and simple, but when it's upon you, when the anxiety seems like it will never pass, when you are overwhelmed with the compulsion to just make it stop, it's a lot harder than it sounds.
So my addict brain has already gone to the next "phase" of manipulation, trying to hold me hostage. The next thought is "What about sugar free cake!" Sound almost reasonable, doesn't it? But I've tried that in the past, too. Having sugar-free desert, for me, is like an alcoholic having a non-alcoholic beer. My brain says "WTF? What was that? Where's the good shyt?" And the craving begins without ever getting the sugar-buzz to satisfy the addict in my head for even a minute. I tried for a long time to have "fake food". I found it always ended up with me in the "real food" because I couldn't stand the craving any longer.
So that leaves me with dinner.
Yup, that's what I'll have, dinner. Maybe Steak, salad, baked potato. I'll have a nice dinner. But it won't have cake. Cause I'm an addict. And I really don't want to go back to what it was like living from bite to bite.
I wish I were the person who could say "it's just cake, who cares?" But I'm not. I do care. And it pisses me off that I can't do whatever I want whenever I want!
So here I am sharing with you wonderful people. Reminding MYSELF what the consequences are in hopes that I can fend off my addiction for another day.
Have I mentioned I hate special days?
