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Mr Soul Shine said it all - YOU are what we are all about, robert. There is nothing about you that says "Waste of time" to me, or to Loraura, or to Phoenix, or to Niner, or to anyone else who has read your posts and replied with nothing but hope for you.

Robert - you have the desire to get clean, and it's gonna take practice to get it right. I don't think I know anyone who can say "I am an addict" who didn't have to keep working at it before they were able to stay clean.

Stay in the solution. Let the mistakes go, look at what got you to the point that had you calling the dealer instead of doing the next right thing, and remember that you DO have a choice - you can choose to pick up the phone and call someone who will talk to you until the desire to use passes, or you can call the connection. You can go to a meeting, you can hang out in chat. You can do any of a number of things that are "The Next Right Thing," which will always start with making that very difficult decision... "I want to use, but I'm not going to do that today."

There are a lot of good suggestions here - journaling, spending your time with people who understand, picking up the phone and talking to another addict who has been where you are now... you have options.

Early recovery sucks, no doubt about it. But you know, you get through the initial discomfort, yeah, you'll probably be depressed and tired and gain weight, but you know, that will pass (The weight part... some of us will have to work harder than others on that one )

Every bit of effort you put into not using is going to result in a bigger reward down the road. If you are like me, patience doesn't come naturally, the need for immediate gratification (I want to feel better NOW) can be overwhelming, and using has become a lifestyle - so getting clean will mean changing everything about the way you are living now.

So now is a good time to start - everyone falls on their butt when they are learning to walk, and we often fall on our butts when we are learning how to stay clean - I know I did.

Having you here is helping me to stay clean, so thank you for that. I really think that someday soon, a newcomer will come along, and you will be here helping that person stay clean - and you will have all of this experience to share of your own, which you will pay forward to the next struggling addict who needs our help.

A waste of our time? Not possible. Without you, what purpose would this site serve? We need you to stick around, get through this, and be here for you while you do what you gotta do to get there.

We're all about that, Robert. You are not a waste of my time, brother. No way.