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Hi folks,
There have been a few times I have been a little humorous with some of my posts. This isnt one of those times. For those of you who dont know, my story is as many addicts. As unique as every single one of them...started smoking pot at 14, by the time I was in high school I was doing whatever I could get my hands on. Speed/coke thru the 80's, speed mostly from the early 90's off & on, daily for the last 8 yrs. Got 8 months clean. Was highly functional until I stopped functioning about 6 months before I stopped...at that point I was barely able to keep it together. Basically lost my desire to live. Thankfully I wasnt yet ready to die. I still am not ready to die. But I still have no desire to live either.
I am a self employed cabinetmaker, & always prided myself that my using never got in the way of my business. Always kept on schedule, business was always increasing year after year. Never advertised, all work was by word of mouth, & always had more work than I was able to do. Until that six months before I quit, thats when things started falling apart. I had been depressed a couple yrs before that, I had thought it was due to a breakup, now realizing it was at least partially due to my using, but I was able to hide from it by continuing to use. Knew I had to quit, but didnt want to deal with the downtime sleeping it off, always had the excuse of not having time cuz of work. Always gonna do it after the next job. Along came Prometa. It did everything I expected it to do, getting me over the initial phase of getting clean. I had no idea of the depression that was soon to follow. And I thought I was depressed before.
Was actually doing ok for a couple months, then my second dad died. I lost it. Couldnt deal. Didnt use, but didnt do anything else for 2 months either. Complete shutdown. doc switched me from laxapro to welbutrin. Seemed to work great. Back to work, & actually smiling alot. Then a month ago my second mom died too. I have only worked 3 days since. Hadnt even started catch up from my last shutdown, now I am way way behind.
Now the crux of this post... I seem to have a problem with stress now... I used to thrive on it... I have 2 big jobs that are waiting on me, took deposits on both of them. Was supposed to start the first one 2 weeks ago, his job had fallen behind for other reasons so I am not really behind there... the next job was scheduled to start the 19th of this month, told them day before yesterday of the 2 week delay, she was very upset, I explained of my depression, my second mom dieing. She calls back yesterday, still quite upset, I tell her if she would rather, I could give them the deposit back, apologizing for everything over & over. she said as long as I can keep to the two week late schedule she is ok... I am wondering if I really want to hassle it. I actually really dont want to. But I really dont want to do anything at all. I want to just give up. I know I cannot, that giving up shouldnt be an option, but that is how I feel. this is hard to admit, I am not actually suicidal, but I dont want to do it anymore. I could never put my real mom & dad thru that. I have felt this way for a couple yrs now, & its really wearing on me. I go to therapy, & it was helping, until a month ago. doc upped the welbutrin to 450 mg a few days ago.
I know its silly asking people on a message board what to do, but I am needing other peoples opinion. The schedule is doable, if I can keep working.
But I am afraid of the stress... when it gets bad I simply cannot function as well. then I make mistakes, & the stress just builds
I feel I should just button down & do what I have to do, but I really dont know if I can rite now. I guess my question is at 8 months clean, after useing a 1/4 oz a week for 8 yrs, how fuked am I? does anyone else have a problem with stress like this now, or am I just a pansy?
thanks for taking time to read this,
greg
There have been a few times I have been a little humorous with some of my posts. This isnt one of those times. For those of you who dont know, my story is as many addicts. As unique as every single one of them...started smoking pot at 14, by the time I was in high school I was doing whatever I could get my hands on. Speed/coke thru the 80's, speed mostly from the early 90's off & on, daily for the last 8 yrs. Got 8 months clean. Was highly functional until I stopped functioning about 6 months before I stopped...at that point I was barely able to keep it together. Basically lost my desire to live. Thankfully I wasnt yet ready to die. I still am not ready to die. But I still have no desire to live either.
I am a self employed cabinetmaker, & always prided myself that my using never got in the way of my business. Always kept on schedule, business was always increasing year after year. Never advertised, all work was by word of mouth, & always had more work than I was able to do. Until that six months before I quit, thats when things started falling apart. I had been depressed a couple yrs before that, I had thought it was due to a breakup, now realizing it was at least partially due to my using, but I was able to hide from it by continuing to use. Knew I had to quit, but didnt want to deal with the downtime sleeping it off, always had the excuse of not having time cuz of work. Always gonna do it after the next job. Along came Prometa. It did everything I expected it to do, getting me over the initial phase of getting clean. I had no idea of the depression that was soon to follow. And I thought I was depressed before.
Was actually doing ok for a couple months, then my second dad died. I lost it. Couldnt deal. Didnt use, but didnt do anything else for 2 months either. Complete shutdown. doc switched me from laxapro to welbutrin. Seemed to work great. Back to work, & actually smiling alot. Then a month ago my second mom died too. I have only worked 3 days since. Hadnt even started catch up from my last shutdown, now I am way way behind.
Now the crux of this post... I seem to have a problem with stress now... I used to thrive on it... I have 2 big jobs that are waiting on me, took deposits on both of them. Was supposed to start the first one 2 weeks ago, his job had fallen behind for other reasons so I am not really behind there... the next job was scheduled to start the 19th of this month, told them day before yesterday of the 2 week delay, she was very upset, I explained of my depression, my second mom dieing. She calls back yesterday, still quite upset, I tell her if she would rather, I could give them the deposit back, apologizing for everything over & over. she said as long as I can keep to the two week late schedule she is ok... I am wondering if I really want to hassle it. I actually really dont want to. But I really dont want to do anything at all. I want to just give up. I know I cannot, that giving up shouldnt be an option, but that is how I feel. this is hard to admit, I am not actually suicidal, but I dont want to do it anymore. I could never put my real mom & dad thru that. I have felt this way for a couple yrs now, & its really wearing on me. I go to therapy, & it was helping, until a month ago. doc upped the welbutrin to 450 mg a few days ago.
I know its silly asking people on a message board what to do, but I am needing other peoples opinion. The schedule is doable, if I can keep working.
But I am afraid of the stress... when it gets bad I simply cannot function as well. then I make mistakes, & the stress just builds
I feel I should just button down & do what I have to do, but I really dont know if I can rite now. I guess my question is at 8 months clean, after useing a 1/4 oz a week for 8 yrs, how fuked am I? does anyone else have a problem with stress like this now, or am I just a pansy?
thanks for taking time to read this,
greg
