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~ YOU HAVE CHOOSEN METH ~
this is your job description as "disiple of meth"
you will be a missonary touring poverty, death,bending decaying minds, rotting, insanity, violence, perversions beyond your power to understand, that will steal your soul away and leave you as hollow inside as a meth mobile, just a brainless bottom feeder going around yearing, needing, desiring METH baybee!
running on meth, and stopping, spuddering and choking, dying...with out it.
You will spend all your time wanting, and hoping to get METH.
....You won't get a home,it's cool, it's not important,
neither are relationships, dreams, education, career, relaxing, dopamine, nothing else will be within your reach.
......besides meth!....and getting some more!
as long as you got meth, that's all you gotta worry about.
What your personal limitations are will decide how willing you are to get METH!
REMEMBER you get METH ONLY!!! NOTHING ELSE!
You will get plenty of it, so HAVE FUN!
....go fast!
Do one for me!
......crunch into a shard for me!.. yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw.
I LOVE/ED speed so much.
............It was the LOVE of my LIFE!
........I LOVED the taste of it!
I've eaten it off floors!
....bathroom floors!
I usta eat it, snort it and smoke it!
........a couple of times... when my connection changed batches, sometimes it was stronger than I thought,
I ate too much, and had to puke,
...... VOMITED in a cup, saved it, and drank it later!
you can't say I'm not loyal to my drug.
...I loved it, and i did anything for it,
I did'nt have sex for it, and I considered it very carefully, over quitting. ....but I chose my soul.
....belive me I sold EVERYTHING else...or LOST it!
I hocked, pawned, sold, stole, lied, borrowed, begged, bartered, got fronts ....
LAID down my WHOLE LIFE!
to honor it.
I gave it my all.
.............and it never did anything for me, but make me retarded.
....I can't even use the experiance to keep you from being another victim of a dirty trick.
........just so you know.
you can't beat the clock.
I'm not telling you to quit!
.....be the best drug addict you can be! see rock bottom!
I'm just saying with out trying to sway you in either direction.
you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT.
...............................................jus t not EVERYTHING.
you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and you only have so much availible time.
like,
... imagine we are in a big supermarket (life).
and you have a certain amount of money to spend there (Time)
......you have to pick something you really want,
because that's what you'll spend all your time on.
.....you could learn to be an interior decoratar, or photographer,or a speed freak.
speed freak is real.
you learn alot in your choosen field about survival, trust,
psychosis, whelps, fever blisters...
the
it's like a perk you get for being retarded, you get this
overwhelming feeling of well being that breaks when the speed runs out.
obviously when the spell is lifted and you are on a dung heap..
.....you go back to the dealer and turn your dung heap to gold again.
you think it spins straw into gold.
....but then, it's only you, who could see the straw was gold when it's all over.
.....and it never was.
The sad thing is how much you LOVE it.
....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strenghth and confidence, viverent energy, ideas, and beauty at first.
you love it, and it loves you and you will always have crystal to hold you when things get bad.
I remember thinking flat out, I'll go see my best friend.
and while you are loving it, it is robbing you.
.....it takes all your money, strength, natural ability to feel joy, you, what you stand for, and belive in to your core...
...you throw it all away and put all your faith in whats good and true to YOU.
like following manson...
"charlie is jesus" .....yeah right.
...but its deep. even charles manson's momma still thinks he was framed.
....we defend, protect, cover, and are extremely loyal.
we jumps thru hoops like trick poodles and smile back at it
....it says...
you gotta do more.
it's the most hardcore brainwashing, scam, lie, hoax, slap in the face betrayal there is.
we stay with it for YEARS.
....we build our life around it.
we love it, we're married to it.
it's like we are in this group that was screwed over by the same con artist.
...and the mothers whose chidren fell into a cult.
like jim jones.
it whispers the same promise in all of our ears and falls short.
it gives us an edge on the world.
....but soon the entire universe has the edge on you.
and speed laughs in your face and says...
you poor fool.
I feel like my best friend threw me out of the car I picked it up in.
.....and I just woke up beaten, and alone on the highway
PLEASE STOP!...it's a trap!
Every single time you do speed, you are paying for it in natural well being.
I wanna die
...I wish it killed me.
one more run for me? I might get the guts to pull that trigger.
you are ruining your life, I did it already.
.....please don't do it too.
....If you're there, you are'nt here.
when you get here, you'll see what I mean and it'll be to late.
when you've seen the things meth has to show you.
....you won't belong in the "normal" world.
then come see me.
it's dark, and you are unable to see what's really happining,to you.
....you will lose everything you ever cared about,
you'll become self absorbed, greedy and secretive,psychotic,paraniod, scattered, sketchy, obbsessive-compulsive, repetative behaivior, it will captivate you and blind you while....
.............the new personality bores a place in your brain and starts to rot it out...
how far you decide to fall will determine the extent of your damage.
......if you stop now,
(and we know you won't,.... and furthermore we'll know the outcome before you ever guess what hit you)
when you finally are unable to support your habit, you'll be faced with selling your soul or quit.
you'll never be right again...you ability to recieve pleasure naturally, your ability to feel joy....will be lessened.
it gets your dopamine.
....the demon eats it all, and lives in your head instead.
........the demon will never go away.
I have a bad demon tied to a chair in the rotten part of my brain that stays forever.
that demon, is greedy, self absorbed, sketchy, unable to hold a job.
none of those things are me.
this drug is like a lover you are completely in love with,
deeply and you belive it loves you.
it will betry you...
while the important people in your life beg you to leave,
you can't see how bad he's fuking you.
it lies, it steals, it makes your loved ones stand by helplessly as they watch you rot to death and go insane.
METH DESTROYED OUR ABILITY TO ENJOY LIFE AT REGULAR SPEED.
WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DO IT ANYMORE!
WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DON'T!
WE MISSED SO MANY EVENTS OF OUR LIVES AND LET A TWEAKER
REPRESENT US!
....SOON PSYCHOTIC TWEAKER!
IT WILL HAPPEN!
METH DOES'NT LOVE YOU ANYMORE THAN IT LOVED US!
IT LIED! IT SAID IT LOVED US TOO!
IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND
...and now I look like I lost my best friend.
I was a soldier in the drug war for 22 years.
......I went so insane, I did'nt know I was homeless.
I thought I just liked to draw at the bus stop, and did'nt sleep.
......................I was homeless approximately a week.
Before that, my exbf was violent and psychotic..
.........I paid rent, but I would'nt go home, or stay home
when he was acting like he was gonna hit or hurt me.
.......the streets were safer than my home.
then, I decided I was always out there anyway..
.............why pay rent to sit there, when I could do more speed?!
so I stopped paying rent....my ex I was with 9 years, abandoned me in vegas, and went back home.
...we moved there together from my hometown atlanta georgia.
the eviction notice was next
I was kinda intrigued....excited even, I had to really be the worst I could possibly be....
............... I felt like a vampire journalist,
interviewing the undead.......
........walking the earth in limbo on the front lines of the drug war zone.
I used my insane time to depict insanity.
I saw thru vampire eyes, drew pictures of it, and I wrote poems and notes
so I would'nt forget what it was like being so very strung out
I enjoyed my badness, it felt good being so far gone.
.........at night in the darkened alleys.
I loved my nightmare..
......I walked thru condemned apt complexes in the darkest night.
street hustlers, prostitutes, and junkies with tin cans and cigarette filters
to draw dope thru all knew me
..............and left me alone......they called me smilie.
Ever see condemned apartment complexes?
.........It's creepy, and it happens in Vegas alot because casinos buy the land...
.....and it leaves empty neighborhoods for a couple months usually.
if yes...
...Ever see the entire place FULL to capacity of squatting meth addicts?
living like rats, and the smell of cat ****, or scared sweat, from speed?
I squatted in this condemned apt COMPLEX like several buildings.....about 10 or 15 of em.
......on the street right behind the flamingo casino, walking thru it.
it was lit/shadowed by the lights of the fabulous las vegas strip.
....you could see the strip, looming right behind it.
it reminded me of my mom..
...vegas smiled at me when I was sober, and it loomed and looked disappointed, when I was high....like it lost me.
...There, money was flowing,and flashy cars and excitement.
this was the other side of the coin.
no trespassing/condemned signs,
........... every every window open, and people inside.
in the air I felt hyper activity, insanity, desperation, euphoria and sickness mixed.
..........even death...and dying people....like grinning corpses.....wrapped in the arms of meth....warm, and protected from reality.
people sitting in dumpster coves talking...
..................like a Hollywood movie because
a) it was unreal/surreal
b) with the one open side of the dumpster coves it looked like a movie set
some had kitchen tables, some had beds...
..every apt full lighters clicking.
c) the back it was full of busted up stolen cars....windshield busted out, no tag, radio, hubcaps...
I just can't believe I was there to this second.
I'm positive no one slept there...
....you' have to do speed or be raped or mugged.
that's why I say "living like a cockroach"
it made new jack city look like Mr. rodgers neighborhood.
......the cops seemed to look the other way...
none were ever there.
....to me when I walked by all the pimps, whores, hustlers,
thieves addicts, general trespassing, crime, and pure desperation.
...thickly covered in this false layer of "everything is GREAT here" ....provided by meth.
My guardian angel is still exhausted, she worked her butt off.
.......I never spent a night there, but I used there.
I lived in a place that might as well be condemned.
it haunts my dreams to this day.
.................and believe me it's going on RIGHT NOW.
I saw hell on earth.
....I started looking homeless....and really strung out.
I never begged for money on the street
I either did a payday loan..(9 all together)
........or asked mom for money.
last time I called and she said..
....no more money will be sent, but a bus ticket is there when you're ready...
vegas was ready to eat my ass up....my mom knew it.
she was almost hysterical.
......I was still absorbing, all of it..reveling in my wretchedness....my condition...
and general conditions.
.................while I was here I may as well have a look around.
experiencing how low it's possible to go since I was in the unique position of being there...
...... I was'nt destined to die there ....god's suz whispered faintly..
somewhere inside...... i knew it........and ignored it as much as I could.
........ the other fiends told me, "I was different" and it was sad to see me there.
I should quit............it pissed me off! I thought I was doing a swell job!
......somehow I was protected, even in the darkness with insane, desperate, soulless violent people...
I would have died there if I had just a little more money.
.....about 1000 dollars more, I was unhealthy, living on stolen little debbies
I stretched as far as my rope could reach.
I was terrified to quit..
.....................my time was coming...
I knew when it was time to go..
.......when I was in the mouth of madness, about to be devoured.
I went to the greyhound station, claimed the ticket
.....and got on the bus to mom, before it was too late
~My tour of duty ended~
I was on the greyhound bus, anticipating dope sickness
.....almost out of speed.
completely broke.
........terrified to sleep.
hallucinating wildly...snakes in the luggage racks,, slithering above me, as if the devil sent them to watch me
to make sure I was gonna "stay dark"
................ june 27th 2005
I would arrive in fagler bytch florida.
my mother would look at the shell that suzie was born in,
tears in her eyes, as she searched my eyes for me.
.....she would lie awake and cry listening to me breathe.
my chest rattling, with wet, thick, toxic speed mucus.
...watching me, sometime trying to wake me, when she saw me
twiching from the paralysis dreams.
she thought I was dying.
........at that point, I was very sick for 3 weeks.
I saw auras for 2 months...
..spining wheels of transparent color.
my urine was darkbrown...I was dehydrated...skin cracking from vegas's dryness, and my lack of concern to protect myself from it...
my dad, angry, just watched me with disappointed eyes.
.....the pain of seeing the source of my mothers
hysteria, and endless crying..was "someone" wearing my skin.
....but a stranger to him...
he wanted to make me suzette (my addicted self) feel his pain for it.
.....and he wanted his daughter back too.
he bearly spoke tome for 6 months.
my aunt is an RN.
.....my mom asked her to look at me..
she told me she was afraid I really did some damage this time...
........that, she was afraid I was not gonna just "bounce back" like the other times.
and could possibly have to see a dr. about the breaker box
issue...
....where I'd 'shut down" and then right before Id faint
come back on.
...like someone flipped my main breaker switch off and on.
this went on for 2 weeks.
I had HORRIBLE STOMACH ACHES...EVERYTIME I ate, I was sick.
it did'nt stop me...
....I was so malnurished, dehydrating and starving.
so sick, angry, humilated, agoraphobic....
....with a bad hair cut.
(I useta cut my hair on speed., a dead giveaway to my whole family)
I did'nt wanna see my family....my mom's sis, and my cousin's live here too.
...I would'nt leave the house.
I cried, and cried, and slept, and ate, and hurt, and cried somemore...
..I had blocked out much of mourning my uncles death with speed.
I cried everyday after he died for a year.
.....but I still did'nt feel ALL of the pain, that you must
feel in the process of grief from loss....to heal.
my body is older now, my eyes saw things that forever changed me.
my mother with large searching eyes.
....waited outside my "shell" that contained my
very muffled true self ..mentally pacing..
...hoping and praying, one day I would fill it once more with "HER SUZIE"
instead... suicidal , depressive words, and hatred and contempt...that I did'nt die.
spilled from my mouth
............like some devil.
I was angry she saved me.
....if I had no choice...I coulda died in the streets of vegas...wrapped in shadows, and darkness.
.................but she DID give me a choice.
my "superconscince" rational voice could bearly be heard.
and Gods suzie won..
........."get on the bus suzie, its gonna get alot worse"
alot alot ALOT worse.
and so.....
YES, here I am, 3 years without speed.
.........the most well adjusted person in this world.
LOL! ...kidding.
........I'll never be the same. I'll never forget.
but, I'll never be like that again either.
I love me.
...........I'm so sorry God, I never meant to hurt me so bad.
or my mom.
It's been one hell of a transition.
......turning back into me, has been a MAJOR reconstuction
this is your job description as "disiple of meth"
you will be a missonary touring poverty, death,bending decaying minds, rotting, insanity, violence, perversions beyond your power to understand, that will steal your soul away and leave you as hollow inside as a meth mobile, just a brainless bottom feeder going around yearing, needing, desiring METH baybee!
running on meth, and stopping, spuddering and choking, dying...with out it.
You will spend all your time wanting, and hoping to get METH.
....You won't get a home,it's cool, it's not important,
neither are relationships, dreams, education, career, relaxing, dopamine, nothing else will be within your reach.
......besides meth!....and getting some more!
as long as you got meth, that's all you gotta worry about.
What your personal limitations are will decide how willing you are to get METH!
REMEMBER you get METH ONLY!!! NOTHING ELSE!
You will get plenty of it, so HAVE FUN!
....go fast!
Do one for me!
......crunch into a shard for me!.. yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw.
I LOVE/ED speed so much.
............It was the LOVE of my LIFE!
........I LOVED the taste of it!
I've eaten it off floors!
....bathroom floors!
I usta eat it, snort it and smoke it!
........a couple of times... when my connection changed batches, sometimes it was stronger than I thought,
I ate too much, and had to puke,
...... VOMITED in a cup, saved it, and drank it later!
you can't say I'm not loyal to my drug.
...I loved it, and i did anything for it,
I did'nt have sex for it, and I considered it very carefully, over quitting. ....but I chose my soul.
....belive me I sold EVERYTHING else...or LOST it!
I hocked, pawned, sold, stole, lied, borrowed, begged, bartered, got fronts ....
LAID down my WHOLE LIFE!
to honor it.
I gave it my all.
.............and it never did anything for me, but make me retarded.
....I can't even use the experiance to keep you from being another victim of a dirty trick.
........just so you know.
you can't beat the clock.
I'm not telling you to quit!
.....be the best drug addict you can be! see rock bottom!
I'm just saying with out trying to sway you in either direction.
you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT.
...............................................jus t not EVERYTHING.
you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and you only have so much availible time.
like,
... imagine we are in a big supermarket (life).
and you have a certain amount of money to spend there (Time)
......you have to pick something you really want,
because that's what you'll spend all your time on.
.....you could learn to be an interior decoratar, or photographer,or a speed freak.
speed freak is real.
you learn alot in your choosen field about survival, trust,
psychosis, whelps, fever blisters...
the
it's like a perk you get for being retarded, you get this
overwhelming feeling of well being that breaks when the speed runs out.
obviously when the spell is lifted and you are on a dung heap..
.....you go back to the dealer and turn your dung heap to gold again.
you think it spins straw into gold.
....but then, it's only you, who could see the straw was gold when it's all over.
.....and it never was.
The sad thing is how much you LOVE it.
....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strenghth and confidence, viverent energy, ideas, and beauty at first.
you love it, and it loves you and you will always have crystal to hold you when things get bad.
I remember thinking flat out, I'll go see my best friend.
and while you are loving it, it is robbing you.
.....it takes all your money, strength, natural ability to feel joy, you, what you stand for, and belive in to your core...
...you throw it all away and put all your faith in whats good and true to YOU.
like following manson...
"charlie is jesus" .....yeah right.
...but its deep. even charles manson's momma still thinks he was framed.
....we defend, protect, cover, and are extremely loyal.
we jumps thru hoops like trick poodles and smile back at it
....it says...
you gotta do more.
it's the most hardcore brainwashing, scam, lie, hoax, slap in the face betrayal there is.
we stay with it for YEARS.
....we build our life around it.
we love it, we're married to it.
it's like we are in this group that was screwed over by the same con artist.
...and the mothers whose chidren fell into a cult.
like jim jones.
it whispers the same promise in all of our ears and falls short.
it gives us an edge on the world.
....but soon the entire universe has the edge on you.
and speed laughs in your face and says...
you poor fool.
I feel like my best friend threw me out of the car I picked it up in.
.....and I just woke up beaten, and alone on the highway
PLEASE STOP!...it's a trap!
Every single time you do speed, you are paying for it in natural well being.
I wanna die
...I wish it killed me.
one more run for me? I might get the guts to pull that trigger.
you are ruining your life, I did it already.
.....please don't do it too.
....If you're there, you are'nt here.
when you get here, you'll see what I mean and it'll be to late.
when you've seen the things meth has to show you.
....you won't belong in the "normal" world.
then come see me.
it's dark, and you are unable to see what's really happining,to you.
....you will lose everything you ever cared about,
you'll become self absorbed, greedy and secretive,psychotic,paraniod, scattered, sketchy, obbsessive-compulsive, repetative behaivior, it will captivate you and blind you while....
.............the new personality bores a place in your brain and starts to rot it out...
how far you decide to fall will determine the extent of your damage.
......if you stop now,
(and we know you won't,.... and furthermore we'll know the outcome before you ever guess what hit you)
when you finally are unable to support your habit, you'll be faced with selling your soul or quit.
you'll never be right again...you ability to recieve pleasure naturally, your ability to feel joy....will be lessened.
it gets your dopamine.
....the demon eats it all, and lives in your head instead.
........the demon will never go away.
I have a bad demon tied to a chair in the rotten part of my brain that stays forever.
that demon, is greedy, self absorbed, sketchy, unable to hold a job.
none of those things are me.
this drug is like a lover you are completely in love with,
deeply and you belive it loves you.
it will betry you...
while the important people in your life beg you to leave,
you can't see how bad he's fuking you.
it lies, it steals, it makes your loved ones stand by helplessly as they watch you rot to death and go insane.
METH DESTROYED OUR ABILITY TO ENJOY LIFE AT REGULAR SPEED.
WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DO IT ANYMORE!
WE DON'T FEEL GOOD WHEN WE DON'T!
WE MISSED SO MANY EVENTS OF OUR LIVES AND LET A TWEAKER
REPRESENT US!
....SOON PSYCHOTIC TWEAKER!
IT WILL HAPPEN!
METH DOES'NT LOVE YOU ANYMORE THAN IT LOVED US!
IT LIED! IT SAID IT LOVED US TOO!
IT WAS MY BEST FRIEND
...and now I look like I lost my best friend.
I was a soldier in the drug war for 22 years.
......I went so insane, I did'nt know I was homeless.
I thought I just liked to draw at the bus stop, and did'nt sleep.
......................I was homeless approximately a week.
Before that, my exbf was violent and psychotic..
.........I paid rent, but I would'nt go home, or stay home
when he was acting like he was gonna hit or hurt me.
.......the streets were safer than my home.
then, I decided I was always out there anyway..
.............why pay rent to sit there, when I could do more speed?!
so I stopped paying rent....my ex I was with 9 years, abandoned me in vegas, and went back home.
...we moved there together from my hometown atlanta georgia.
the eviction notice was next
I was kinda intrigued....excited even, I had to really be the worst I could possibly be....
............... I felt like a vampire journalist,
interviewing the undead.......
........walking the earth in limbo on the front lines of the drug war zone.
I used my insane time to depict insanity.
I saw thru vampire eyes, drew pictures of it, and I wrote poems and notes
so I would'nt forget what it was like being so very strung out
I enjoyed my badness, it felt good being so far gone.
.........at night in the darkened alleys.
I loved my nightmare..
......I walked thru condemned apt complexes in the darkest night.
street hustlers, prostitutes, and junkies with tin cans and cigarette filters
to draw dope thru all knew me
..............and left me alone......they called me smilie.
Ever see condemned apartment complexes?
.........It's creepy, and it happens in Vegas alot because casinos buy the land...
.....and it leaves empty neighborhoods for a couple months usually.
if yes...
...Ever see the entire place FULL to capacity of squatting meth addicts?
living like rats, and the smell of cat ****, or scared sweat, from speed?
I squatted in this condemned apt COMPLEX like several buildings.....about 10 or 15 of em.
......on the street right behind the flamingo casino, walking thru it.
it was lit/shadowed by the lights of the fabulous las vegas strip.
....you could see the strip, looming right behind it.
it reminded me of my mom..
...vegas smiled at me when I was sober, and it loomed and looked disappointed, when I was high....like it lost me.
...There, money was flowing,and flashy cars and excitement.
this was the other side of the coin.
no trespassing/condemned signs,
........... every every window open, and people inside.
in the air I felt hyper activity, insanity, desperation, euphoria and sickness mixed.
..........even death...and dying people....like grinning corpses.....wrapped in the arms of meth....warm, and protected from reality.
people sitting in dumpster coves talking...
..................like a Hollywood movie because
a) it was unreal/surreal
b) with the one open side of the dumpster coves it looked like a movie set
some had kitchen tables, some had beds...
..every apt full lighters clicking.
c) the back it was full of busted up stolen cars....windshield busted out, no tag, radio, hubcaps...
I just can't believe I was there to this second.
I'm positive no one slept there...
....you' have to do speed or be raped or mugged.
that's why I say "living like a cockroach"
it made new jack city look like Mr. rodgers neighborhood.
......the cops seemed to look the other way...
none were ever there.
....to me when I walked by all the pimps, whores, hustlers,
thieves addicts, general trespassing, crime, and pure desperation.
...thickly covered in this false layer of "everything is GREAT here" ....provided by meth.
My guardian angel is still exhausted, she worked her butt off.
.......I never spent a night there, but I used there.
I lived in a place that might as well be condemned.
it haunts my dreams to this day.
.................and believe me it's going on RIGHT NOW.
I saw hell on earth.
....I started looking homeless....and really strung out.
I never begged for money on the street
I either did a payday loan..(9 all together)
........or asked mom for money.
last time I called and she said..
....no more money will be sent, but a bus ticket is there when you're ready...
vegas was ready to eat my ass up....my mom knew it.
she was almost hysterical.
......I was still absorbing, all of it..reveling in my wretchedness....my condition...
and general conditions.
.................while I was here I may as well have a look around.
experiencing how low it's possible to go since I was in the unique position of being there...
...... I was'nt destined to die there ....god's suz whispered faintly..
somewhere inside...... i knew it........and ignored it as much as I could.
........ the other fiends told me, "I was different" and it was sad to see me there.
I should quit............it pissed me off! I thought I was doing a swell job!
......somehow I was protected, even in the darkness with insane, desperate, soulless violent people...
I would have died there if I had just a little more money.
.....about 1000 dollars more, I was unhealthy, living on stolen little debbies
I stretched as far as my rope could reach.
I was terrified to quit..
.....................my time was coming...
I knew when it was time to go..
.......when I was in the mouth of madness, about to be devoured.
I went to the greyhound station, claimed the ticket
.....and got on the bus to mom, before it was too late
~My tour of duty ended~
I was on the greyhound bus, anticipating dope sickness
.....almost out of speed.
completely broke.
........terrified to sleep.
hallucinating wildly...snakes in the luggage racks,, slithering above me, as if the devil sent them to watch me
to make sure I was gonna "stay dark"
................ june 27th 2005
I would arrive in fagler bytch florida.
my mother would look at the shell that suzie was born in,
tears in her eyes, as she searched my eyes for me.
.....she would lie awake and cry listening to me breathe.
my chest rattling, with wet, thick, toxic speed mucus.
...watching me, sometime trying to wake me, when she saw me
twiching from the paralysis dreams.
she thought I was dying.
........at that point, I was very sick for 3 weeks.
I saw auras for 2 months...
..spining wheels of transparent color.
my urine was darkbrown...I was dehydrated...skin cracking from vegas's dryness, and my lack of concern to protect myself from it...
my dad, angry, just watched me with disappointed eyes.
.....the pain of seeing the source of my mothers
hysteria, and endless crying..was "someone" wearing my skin.
....but a stranger to him...
he wanted to make me suzette (my addicted self) feel his pain for it.
.....and he wanted his daughter back too.
he bearly spoke tome for 6 months.
my aunt is an RN.
.....my mom asked her to look at me..
she told me she was afraid I really did some damage this time...
........that, she was afraid I was not gonna just "bounce back" like the other times.
and could possibly have to see a dr. about the breaker box
issue...
....where I'd 'shut down" and then right before Id faint
come back on.
...like someone flipped my main breaker switch off and on.
this went on for 2 weeks.
I had HORRIBLE STOMACH ACHES...EVERYTIME I ate, I was sick.
it did'nt stop me...
....I was so malnurished, dehydrating and starving.
so sick, angry, humilated, agoraphobic....
....with a bad hair cut.
(I useta cut my hair on speed., a dead giveaway to my whole family)
I did'nt wanna see my family....my mom's sis, and my cousin's live here too.
...I would'nt leave the house.
I cried, and cried, and slept, and ate, and hurt, and cried somemore...
..I had blocked out much of mourning my uncles death with speed.
I cried everyday after he died for a year.
.....but I still did'nt feel ALL of the pain, that you must
feel in the process of grief from loss....to heal.
my body is older now, my eyes saw things that forever changed me.
my mother with large searching eyes.
....waited outside my "shell" that contained my
very muffled true self ..mentally pacing..
...hoping and praying, one day I would fill it once more with "HER SUZIE"
instead... suicidal , depressive words, and hatred and contempt...that I did'nt die.
spilled from my mouth
............like some devil.
I was angry she saved me.
....if I had no choice...I coulda died in the streets of vegas...wrapped in shadows, and darkness.
.................but she DID give me a choice.
my "superconscince" rational voice could bearly be heard.
and Gods suzie won..
........."get on the bus suzie, its gonna get alot worse"
alot alot ALOT worse.
and so.....
YES, here I am, 3 years without speed.
.........the most well adjusted person in this world.
LOL! ...kidding.
........I'll never be the same. I'll never forget.
but, I'll never be like that again either.
I love me.
...........I'm so sorry God, I never meant to hurt me so bad.
or my mom.
It's been one hell of a transition.
......turning back into me, has been a MAJOR reconstuction
