Yuku free message boards

I live in the same area that I have lived all my life. Along with me are most all of my childhood friends. They are my second family and I love them as so.

Sadly most all of us became addicted about the same time. Meth seemed swept across our community like a cloudy day. Some were sparred from its grip but most of my closest friends were not.

I thank God that it didn't get to us all. But I believe that the ones who were smart enough or lucky enough to not use it have still been affected by that cloudy day. If I were one of them I can only imagine how I would feel about loosing my family and friends to a sickness I couldn't understand.

As for us users we were happy and carefree for the first couple years. Even though most all of us had loved one we were lying to.

Then came the years when we were realizing that we had a problem. It was harder to support our habits our usage was much heaver and the lies were catching up with us.

Their many times when we would talk about quitting. How thing were getting bad. But ultimately the conversation would end with fu--it let smoke another bowl.

For me those were the hardest years I would lay in my bed at night and cry as I came down. Knowing what I was into.(my wife still didn't know I was using)

I was putting us deeper and deeper in depth. I wanted to quit so bad I was ashamed of what was happening. How could I have let this happen?

As low as I was. As bad as things were. As much as I knew I needed to quit. No matter how hard I prayed for help. I think what I truly wanted was a way to make my addiction work. Not a way out of it.

Then came the years of living with the fact that I was an addict. I became use to the fact even comfortable with it. A full blown addict nothing mattered now but using. These were the years when my friends and I kinda drifted apart.

We still live close and we still see each other from time to time but the fact was we didn't have time for each other any more. Doing our meth was top priority so that's what we did.

As long as we had it we would mostly stay to ourselves until we were out. Then we would visit with one another long enough to get more. Then back home to get f--cked up.

During these years (after many times of being confronted about it) My addiction gave me enough confidence to admit that I was using. I wouldn't admit I was an addict. That might jepordise my addiction.

But I was an occasional user who had it under control. And why wouldn't she believe that. by now I knew all the tricks. I am a professional user. I can make you believe anything. A master manipulator with years of practice under my belt.

These are the years I regret the most. These are the years when my wife becomes a user. Me and my friends start to use with our kids. They are for the most part adults but they are our kids. Two generations of meth addicts.

Then come the years I am cooking. Its a hell of a lot cheaper to make than it is to buy and with all these addictions to feed why not. That was my thinking.(to me making it became more addictive than doing it but that is another story)

Now that I don't have to buy it anymore their is no use in working. So I quit my job. Stop paying my bills except for every other month or so. It don't take long for word to get around that Iv got dope all the time so naturally their are people by all the time.

In these years is when thing get really screwed up. We are all addicts we are all crazy in our own ways. And I suppose Im the craziest. But still I couldn't be convinced of that.

I watch my world fall apart as I enjoy my dope. I get busted for manufacturing. It doesn't phase me. For the next year and a half I live my life the same way. I just keep dragging my family through the hell I created.

Things get worse and worse I risk my freedom daily without a second thought. I still don't believe I can quit. And even if I could I believe I would spend the rest of my days in bed.

Without my meth what would I do. I wont be able to function. Without it now I am useless. Its the oil that lubricates the machine. Without it I am done.

But through all of this darkness I see a ray of light. IM going to jail supposedly for 3 months. Plenty time to get it out of my system. And I wont have to damage my pride by trying to quit and failing.

I know I can quit for 3 months ill have to.(I only had to go for a month 2 different times and a years house arrest and 5 and a half years probation)

Comfortable in the knowledge I was going to quit in the near future. I stayed the course right up to the minute I went to jail. I took my last puff on the way to jail.

I had no idea what I would do when I got out. Would I use would I stay clean? If I stayed clean how would I handle coping with my families addiction? Could I help them break free? Would I drive them deeper into addiction? So many emotions and different feelings. To many to write about now.

To end this particular story. I want to say that I have stayed meth free sense that day. My wife is meth free. My kids still use occasionally which is better than it was.

I pray that I can find the strength the words the actions what ever it takes to help them to freedom if they choose to try.

For the most part this is the short version of my years of addiction. I hope someone finds something of value for them in these words. They are for the best I can remember the way it was.

7-03-07

Greg