to recovered addicts

RSS
Email

0 Kudo

Author	Comment
mcr	to recovered addicts	Lead	[-]
Posts: 91 (03/27/08 13:18:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	This saturday my baby turned one. And I had a wonderful party for her. The only thing missing was her father, who has been using coke and meth alternating btwn the two for over 10 years. He is 29 now and started in junior high school w/ meth. I KNOW I should not care that he was not there or that he did not bother to call. I KNOW I should move on and that the reasons are several and ultimately unknowable to me as to why he would not try to be there or talk to her for a minute or bring her something or just something but not nothing on this very special occassion. I do have an Order of protection against him and if he is abiding by it, that makes sense but MY sense is that this not the real reason for his absence. I am at a loss for what really I am asking. I am not asking for advice as to what to do abt him as he is not living w/ us anymore and I have an Order of Protection and I will ONLY accept a call from rehab and/ or a call after he has left rehab, a year or so into the future ideally. he has spent half of his life using, i guess it will take a while for him to re-learn behavior if he wants to go that route at all. I am asking recovered addicts what I guess what I cannot ask him: Why? Why? not be there/ try to be there / call on her b-day? He knows I am not vindictive/ he knows I would not block a communication with her on her b-day. (again, whether I should or not is not what I am discussing.) so now on top of what he has done- he shows no interest in her. is this his way of hurting me? Is this his way of showing me what kind of role he PLANS to take in her life? I know he is working (he's a chef) and he has been, in the time we were together, functional in the work area. I doubt he forgot the day/ lost track or time due to his use. It is possible but IMO this was done intentionally. again, I know I should not bother and move on but that is not where I am. any thoughts?
TenderheartsKS		#1	[-]
Posts: 1040 (03/27/08 13:44:40) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Will you feel any better if you figure out why? Answer me this. Why would a man, 12 years clean/sober when he fathered a child not be there for that child most of her growing up years? That man is now 32 years clean/sober and a swell guy when it comes to his 12 step program, and sponsoring others and working the steps. He's 'cool' in every aspect of his life that I know of except when it came to being a responsible parent, a father who was there for his daughters growing up. He wasn't there for his two daughters from his first marriage because he was drunk and loaded during those years. He ended up with two more daughters (a year apart), late in his life, already into his 50's, and several years into his recovery, and wasn't there for them either. How does a fellow who's comfortably retired, clean and sober over 3 decades now, and only 36 miles away from one of his daughters NOT spend time with her or at least reach out to her? I don't know, and it isn't important that I do know. It is what it is, and I've done the best job that I could of raising my youngest daughter by myself. She knows that I have been there for her through thick and thin. As SFJ often says, meth gets too much credit sometimes. You can find 'in absentia' fathers in all walks of life, not just active addicts, and that's the truth.
forget suzette		#2	[-]
Posts: 13584 (03/27/08 14:22:41) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I'll tell you were he was.. ....self absorbed, mind racing, time flying like flipping the pages of a calender. he was gonna call, he should call, he's too late, he's ashamed, he does more speed, it covers it.
forget suzette		#3	[-]
Posts: 13585 (03/27/08 14:29:34) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	he forgot the day/ lost track or time due to his use. Guess how many of us beat oursellves up about these kinds of things .. ....I think we all do. everyday we were'nt present in our own life. .......if I was to string a piece of popcorn, for every event, day, commitment, shift I missed, birthdays, graduation, xmas's, moms bday, fathers day mothers day........on and on it would cross the state line. ......that's why were usually pretty humble when we return to reality. Last Edited By: forget suzette 03/27/08 14:36:21. Edited 1 times.
forget suzette		#4	[-]
Posts: 13586 (03/27/08 14:42:31) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I also wanna say to all my fans, I don't think I'm "recovered" ....as in finished. .....Recovering.........is what I am, and prolly will be for the rest of this life..
Eve au naturel		#5	[-]
Posts: 266 (03/27/08 14:50:13) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	mcr wrote: I am asking recovered addicts what I guess what I cannot ask him: Why? Why? not be there/ try to be there / call on her b-day? I don't know, can't speak for him. Perhaps reading why I isolated from loved ones might just give you more questions than answers. However, it's all I know to share with you to try to ease your pain. So here it goes... Especially during benders/ long weekends/ holidays I was often unreachable. And I wouldn't pick up the phone to contact my family and let them know that there was no need to contact the police to file a missing persons, that I was just worshipping Scottie (my crank demon). I was where I needed to be to do my drugs. It started out as my trying to keep my family life and college seperate from my party lifestyle and good timin' peps. I couldn't/ wouldn't be around my family when I was on drugs. At first, it was out of respect for them and then it became a matter of my convienence. Soon I isolated out of shame, almost like my family was part of a different world that I could no longer access because I couldn't go through the door with my drugs; I became so disoriented that I couldn't have found the door to leave that way of life anyway. During my worst bender I had put my parents on a pedestal, thinking like they were some type of fantasy heroes in a story book that there was no way I could go back to where I was before something inside me crossed over. I became "one of them": an addict with a face I once looked in the mirror and didn't recognize. I thought of my parents' home as a wonderland of food, safety, not having myself or my stuff messed with; it seemed like heaven... especially when I was almost dead. I guess why I didn't contact my parents is because they'd be able to tell I was on drugs and they'd try to talk me into coming home and going to rehab. Often, I didn't have change for a phone call because I saved up spent it on eating a $1 cheeseburger once every few days. There are countless other excuses as to why I didn't contact my loved ones, but the bottom line is that I was busy doing whatever I needed to in order to make it through the day and stay high. I'm late, must go. Best wishes to you and your child.
Eve au naturel		#6	[-]
Posts: 266 (03/27/08 14:50:28) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Sorry, I've had a major computer glitch resulting in multiple posting. Edit to have something to fill in the space: BTW, I guess I'm now back to the poor side of town being what is called "the addict who still suffers." Last Edited By: Eve au naturel 03/27/08 15:12:16. Edited 2 times.
Eve au naturel		#7	[-]
Posts: 266 (03/27/08 14:50:49) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	This multiple posting is quite embarrassing. Sorry! Edit: These posts aren't even showing up on the Board main page as being the most recent posts. Something smells o' fish an' it ain't me. Last Edited By: Eve au naturel 03/27/08 15:27:17. Edited 2 times.
Eve au naturel		#8	[-]
Posts: 266 (03/27/08 14:50:58) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Okay, I really feel like a boob now. Last Edited By: Eve au naturel 03/27/08 14:54:27. Edited 1 times.
sotired		#9	[-]
Posts: 71 (03/27/08 15:49:01) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Mcr, I understand how you are feeling..... My addict ex completely missed Easter. Our kids called him. He didn't call them. He was too busy "working on his truck". Too busy to spend one hour with them? Working on his truck? He's been off of work for 3 months and on Easter is the day he decides to work on his truck? Working on his truck so he can go back to work to give us money? That's what he told our son - BUT - of course, when he was working he wasn't giving us ANY money. I can't believe that I miss this guy!! I can't believe that he can hurt his kids like that. So, really I do understand. TenderheartsKS, I don't know Mcr's whole situation but if it's kind of like mine I see what she's saying - my ex was NOT this way before. When I met him, he was great with my son. When we had a son together, he was a really good dad. Went to his school functions. Went to family gatherings. Just now that his addiction seems to have gotten such a hold on him is when he misses everything. So, that's the reason for the questioning WHY? So, yes, it would help to know. I think you are right and some guys just aren't meant to be a parent - just aren't good at it -- BUT in my case, he's completely different then he was. Our daughter is missing out on who he used to be and it's so sad to see that he just doesn't seem to care.
SavannahOfLight		#10	[-]
Posts: 41 (03/27/08 15:50:33) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I KNOW I should not care that he was not there or that he did not bother to call. I don't think you should not care.....how could you not care...thats the father of your child. I do have an Order of protection against him and if he is abiding by it, that makes sense but MY sense is that this not the real reason for his absence Well not much he can do if he is not legally allowed there, but I get where your comming from. Like is that really the reason he does not show up? Why? not be there/ try to be there / call on her b-day? I can not speak from the parents point of veiw as an addict. I would hope that even if I was using I would make the effort to see my child. But for me it was shame...I could not face the people who loved me knowing they knew what I was doing. Not a good excuse , but it is what it is. It's hard to not take things personally when an addicts does all this crap....but most the time it is not to intentionally hurt anyone. I hope somedayd he gets clean and is able to have a relationship with his kid again, but most of all I hope you can find some peace in your life weather he is clean or not.

<< Previous Topic Next Topic >>

Yuku free message boards

to recovered addicts

to recovered addicts

Quick Reply