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Have not posted here in quite awhile but a few of you know me, I have been over at crystalrecovery.com often though. It has become part of my daily recovery as
I live where there are no meetings, just me and myself. I am 32 days clean and sober today. It has not been easy but for me I had to get away from the source,
leave the states and escape the hold Meth has on me. I have a good life, the wife, puppy, house. All things I would not have on Meth in SF. My best thinking
got me homeless, scared, hungry, and emotionally and financially broken. I miss Meth ,I will not lie. I dream about it everyday and think about it each day. I
feel like I am missing something, I feel like I am nothing without it. Like it defines me. But something must not have been working as I quit, I go back to CMA
after every relapse broken and lost. Will this ever change ?? Cn one live happily without it or are the memories there forever ?
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 Robby99.bpdsanctuary |
32 days clean and sober but I miss the life.. |
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Posts: 1 (03/27/08 11:32:31) |
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XOutlaw Woman |
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Posts: 1762 (03/27/08 11:47:27) Forum Friend |
Give it more time Robby. These feeling pass the longer you have been clean and the more you discover new things about your recovery. You are still very early
into the stages of coming clean from a powerful addiction. Just ride out the feelings and continue to go to your CMA meetings. Time is truely the healer of all
wounds.
You might try counting your blessings every day and focusing on the positives. |
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rememberme |
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Posts: 9 (03/27/08 12:08:36) |
XOutlaw woman is right, it takes time for the drug to exit your body and your mind. You'll be ok, the dreams will stop and the desire to use will fade.
Time is your friend.
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le grumps |
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Posts: 3188 (03/27/08 13:26:41) Forum Grouch |
I had to leave SF too, and it completely broke my heart.
It's been a few years now, and like any broken heart, mine healed. Slowly, but it did happen. I had to work really hard to survive every nostalgic feeling, every euphoric recall, every ounce of resentment and self pity I had because I had to "lose" everything. Now I focus on making my life something I want to live in my "new" city, even though it's the city I grew up in. My recommendation would be to STAY in CMA for awhile. You do not have to be broken and lost to go. You're recovery will be taken much further if you stick around, get a sponsor and do the steps. Think 12 step is not for you? Maybe try another recovery philosophy. But yes, it DOES get better, but you have to give it the time it deserves. |
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forget suzette |
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Posts: 13590 (03/27/08 15:16:39) Forum Star |
......you gotta give it as much time as you put into it.
If you can just hang in there. ....this is as good as you'll ever feel when you quit dope. a month ain't long enough, you'll be better soon. next time you quit.....you won't bounce back like you use to. .......then you won't bounce back. I wish I had quit, any of th times before this last one. it really ruined me. welcome to the board. |
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SavannahOfLight |
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Posts: 38 (03/27/08 15:32:51) |
Welcome back to KCI!
Everyone is right, you have to give it time. In ealry recovery I thought I was defined by meth and that the only way I could be happy was with meth. I think a part of me will always miss meth, but now that part is very small and I now know there is so much more to me than just my addiction. You canmake it through this hun I promise you that. Congrats on 32 days clean...soon enough you will have 60, then 90, then a year! You will look back on the way you feel now with relief. Keep up the good work! |
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Robby99.bpdsanctuary |
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Posts: 4 (03/27/08 16:12:04) |
Thank You all for your support.. I miss it, I really miss it but I do not miss the ODs, ER visits, losing apartments, jobs, friends.. I do not miss the crashes
.. I do feel this sense of not being able to feel pleasure from anything except for Crystal.. I am lucky to be in a place with No Meth but with that comes the
fact that there is no CMA. I have recovery here , on my blogs, and in my heart I guess. I live in Spanish speaking nation now.. Starting over but still
remember and dream.. One day at a time I suppose.
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forget suzette |
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Posts: 13591 (03/27/08 18:42:31) Forum Star |
are you in flagler beach?
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Hemetchik |
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Posts: 3062 (03/28/08 10:16:49) Forum Host |
it is a battle we all have to fight if we want to get clean. For me, I felt so passionate about my drugs that I fought hard to hang on to the ability to do
them when I wanted to...That I could control my use just "one more time". That first euphoric feeling I felt when I first did dope, I never got
again. But man did I believe I would if I had better stuff or more money ...blah, blah, blah as grumps would say.
I had to learn to live in quiet moments...because before, if it was quiet and Debbie was all alone in her fudged up mind...oh shyt ...couldnt handle that...life was moving and I was missing something FAB in it...tell me? How is life Fab when your to messed up to live in it....I am just now able to live in it and like it....before I believed it was all bullshyt and everyone in it... You can do this...if you want this. Just remember where it took you and what you have now with just 32 or 33 days....when I took a 90 day chip....I actually had a little more faith in myself to being recovered... |
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Loraura |
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Posts: 6417 (03/28/08 10:37:29) Moderator |
"I do feel this sense of not being able to feel pleasure from anything except for Crystal"
That is a known side effect of the first year or more clean from meth. The medical term is anhedonia. It's real, it's not imagined, and it's just one of the many reasons this drug is so hard to recover from. Here's a short article I wrote that explains in simple terms what goes on with your brain chemistry when you use, and when you stop: http://www.kci.org/meth_info/lori/Dopamine_Methamphetamines_and_You.htm |
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Robby99.bpdsanctuary |
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Posts: 5 (03/28/08 11:01:30) |
Not in Flager beach.. Nicaragua actually.
Yes this is so damn hard, I know Meth will take away the pain but there will be more pain to come if I do not do this.. I have heard people say in the past that there are worse things than dying , you can go crazy and wish you were dead. I do want it, I need it ( recovery) but feel the odds are against me. |
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