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I just recently found out that my Husband is using meth. I was doing laundry and it was in his pocket. When I confronted him about it, he said that it is my
fault and that he has to use it because I demand so much from him. I don't demand anything from him. What is he talking about? He did get angry, should I
be concerned for the safety of me and the children? How do I stop him from using this stuff?
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Could it be my fault?
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 dumbwife |
Could it be my fault? |
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Posts: 1 (03/12/08 13:39:28) |
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Lisa |
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Posts: 2562 (03/12/08 13:50:24) Forum Friend |
No, it's NOT your fault. Period. You cannot stop him from using.
I just stopped in for a second - gotta run, but someone will be here shortly to explain. Just know it IS NOT your fault. |
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dumbwife |
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Posts: 2 (03/12/08 14:00:35) |
But if it is my fault should'nt I ask him to prove it? And if I have the power to make him start, then should'nt I have the power to make him stop?
I'm confused. How do you get someone to quit. Should I just tell him to leave if he won't? I feel so helpless.
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Metheart |
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Posts: 35 (03/12/08 14:14:05) |
1. No it is definitely not your fault. This is a common cop-out for user/addict to blame their problem on somone else.
2. You should always be concerned about the safety of your children. Him using an dangerous illegal drug introduces a whole new element of risks to you and your family. 3. You won't be able to stop him from using. He will need to want to do this on his own. Hopefully he has not been using very long. Generally the longer someone uses the more difficult it will be to stop using. Start paying very close attention to his habbits and behavior. Be prepared to be lied to about EVERYTHING. Please come back here and let us know how things progress. There is a great group of people here who are very insightful and knowledgeable about meth who are ready, willing, and able to help you in your struggle. You and your family will be in my prayers this evening... |
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LivesWithWolves1 |
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Posts: 1 (03/12/08 14:50:24) |
Welcome - my suggestions are:
Try to remain calm; don't confront him or argue. Most likely you will only hear lies. Develop a game plan. Read and educate yourself as much as you can about Meth and Meth addiction. (Are you positive it is Meth?). Watch him closely - see if there are signs. Do you have family or friends you could go to for help? Do you have your own source of income or savings? Some Meth addicts will steal from you and spend all money for bills on the drug. Protect your finances; build a savings for yourself. You could end up without necessities and perhaps homeless.
This is a very serious situation you are in. I believe you could very well be in danger, as well as your children. If Meth is found in your home by authorities, your children could very well be taken from you, regardless if you knew about it or not.
Some people become violent on Meth - I have personally experienced this from two people who were sweet and kind prior to Meth ingestion.
IF, (and only he knows the answer to this) he is partaking in extra-marital sex and is not protecting himself, or he is sharing needles - you could catch all kinds of nasty things.
I am not trying to scare you - but want you to truly understand just how serious this is. Your husband may only be using a little and not be strung out and do horrible things - or he may be. We tend to see things through our little rose colored glasses from our upbringing and our world.
Meth is an entirely different world and it ain't pretty. You need to take control of yourself and your life and protect yourself and your kids - NOW. I am truly sorry.
Kathy
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TenderheartsKS |
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Posts: 991 (03/12/08 15:17:10) Moderator |
God didn't die and leave us in charge. Therefore, we don't have that kind of power over people.
My favorite game when I was using was the blame game. It was my parents' fault. It was my husband's fault, yada yada yada. Addicts are nefarious for pointing the finger at others so they don't have to take a look at themselves 
Educate yourself on addiction, and get yourself some help. Addiction sucks the loved ones right down the drain too if loved ones don't find support for themselves 
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luvepiphany |
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Posts: 6594 (03/12/08 15:23:20) Forum Star |
Welcome, sorry you felt the need to find us...
I absolutely cosign everything liveswithwolves said above. To add to it, the three most important affirmations that helped me regain my sanity after faced with a partner with a meth addiction-from the Alanon & Naranon programs-programs for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics: I did not cause his addiction. I cannot control his addiction(or him at all) I cannot cure his addiction(or any of his problems-none of em) In the beginning of my nightmare, as I got crazier and my life became more unmanageable, I realized that I could, unfortunately, contribute to his addiction and my own insanity in many ways. I made my own recovery the most important study in my life for the last 2 years. The first year of discovery and nightmares was mostly a fruitless mix of sadness, fear, anger and chaos. I urge you to take meth addiction in your husband as a Major Life Concern and be proactive for You. It will likely be the hardest times you've ever imagined. I'm very thankful I've had to go through some of the misery, but wish that I'd learned about meth addiction sooner  , before so much time went by and so much loss.
welcome luv |
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mlg |
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Posts: 528 (03/13/08 07:10:05) |
I spent months anaylyzing every day, week, month, and year of my daughter's life when we found she was an addict/alcoholic.
She seemed like a "happy kid" untillllll she had her first beer at age 13. Even then we didn't know what was all of a sudden "wrong" with her for years, she hid her usage like a master magician. Anyway, to this day now, she is 29, in full recovery, and still tell us (her dad and I) that there was NOTHING we could have done to stop her from her driving force to use. She said if we would have come down harder than we already did, she would have run away. The chemicals were her driving force for 15 yrs. We didn't cause, can't cure, can't control. The 3 C's are huge to accept as loved ones. Please try and realize, his illness makes him point his finger anywhere else than himself for his choice to use. It's the same thing when you hear about Gov. Spitzer, when Dr. Laura tends to blame wives for their extramarital affairs. Spitzer had a choice to go out and @#$% someone else, OR, communicate to his wife his needs weren't being met/ maybe they could use some counseling, etc. No, he chose to go out and do things he was prosecuting others for doing, which is even more outrageous. INMO...I think it's a cop out for Dr. Laura to blame the wife for his sick choices. Even Dr. Drew said it's ridiculous to blame others for your bad choices. I'm glad our daughter has the maturity to own her own behaviors in her sobriety to realize that. mlg |
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LdyOfWzdm |
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Posts: 166 (03/13/08 07:39:30) |
NO....it's not your fault!
YES...you and your children could be in danger! You have nothing to prove to him, just to yourself. They only thing you have to prove is you can do what is best for YOU and your Children! Take care and use caution when dealing with someone high on meth! I'm sorry you and your children are now living in meth hell, but YOU (not him) have the POWER to escape! Keep On Truckin' Lady |
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 28 (03/13/08 11:27:32) |
Dr. Laura was on Sean Hannity yesterday. He was just falling all over himself praising her. I do not like her. She is so hateful to women who call and say
their husbands cheated. Don't you know her husband is SO HENPECKED???? lol
No, it's not your fault. He's just playing the blame game adn turning it back on you. They are masters at manipulation. |
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nineyearsclean |
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Posts: 7285 (03/13/08 14:30:35) Best Friend to KCI |
When I confronted him about it, he said that it is my fault and that he has to use it because I demand so
much from him. I don't demand anything from him. What is he talking about?
Meth addicts always blame everyone and everything else, but themselves. It's the blame game and it is typical, typical, typical. DO NOT buy into it. It is NOT your fault, PERIOD!! He did get angry, should I be concerned for the safety of me and the children? Yes, you should be concerned for the safety of all of you. Meth addicts can be very volatile and violent. It's not guaranteed, but it is NOT uncommon. How do I stop him from using this stuff? Bless your heart, you cannot. Learn all you can about this hideous and destructive thing called meth addiction. Knowledge is power. You are going to need all the strength you can muster. We'll be here for you. I'm so sorry this happened to your family. Never even think of entertaining the idea that it was in any way any thing you did. Okay? Welcome. |
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Rocket57 |
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Posts: 366 (03/13/08 14:36:40) |
Dr Laura is an idiot. But then, so is Hannity.
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skeeter |
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Posts: 11 (03/13/08 15:59:36) |
This is a typical copout for a meth addict. Do not and I repeat, do not let yourself believe that you are the cause of his meth addiction. My ex wife tried
that with me and you do take what they say to heart but after thinking about it for a while.
I asked her if it was her mothers fault or was it her ex husbands fault when she started using when she was 19. I hadn't met her until she was 23. She didn't like that answer. Meth addicts are in another world when they are using. There is nothing logical about what they say or do so don't try to figure it out as it will drive you nuts. Protecting yourself and your children should be your first priority. Something that I haven't read on this board is something that the non-addict spouses should be very concerned about. In Oklahoma where I live. If a meth using spouse gets busted. The police can get a warrant and search your home. If any dope is found, they can take the non-using spouse to jail also. And the children go to the Department of Human Services. It does happen and may innocent people have gone to jail because of this. It can bankrupt the family trying to prove there innocence and ruin there lives. |
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luvepiphany |
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Posts: 6611 (03/13/08 18:13:39) Forum Star |
Thank you skeeter for a very Important Factor for ALL SPOUSES and PARENTS of meth addicts. Police across the country have a pretty general standard to search
the residence of anyone arrested for meth crimes (I don't think just possesion is usually enough for a search warrant).
My addict x's father's home was searched with the small town SWAT team with guns and all, after the addict was arrested. He was also set up by a tweaked out meth addict and the cops were acting on tweaker tales information, meaning totally blown out of proportion stories from an angry and jealous former addict "friend". This addict that was arrested hadn't lived with his father for years but used his address. He is 43 years old and his father still has to clean up his son's messes. I am very very very thankful that we were not married and that the addict had never fully moved into my home. I have children. 
luv |
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vickydammit |
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Posts: 584 (03/13/08 20:17:54) |
Well, at least he's admitting it
 . Mine told me i was crazy and
seeing things. Had me almost convinced, in fact that was my very first question on arriving here in....wow, 2003 i think? Am i crazy? Unfortunately, i
wasn't, and it got very ugly. I made him leave and today he is in prison, and i still love him and still miss him, but know what? I am HAPPY, and very glad
that i did what i had to do for me. I will never allow him back into my life, the stakes are too high, but i can love him just fine from way over here! No,
its not your fault that he chooses to use, but down the road some things may be your fault if you let them happen. I am not saying leave, but i am saying do
what you need to do for yourself and those you love who are innocent.
You look so pretty and happy....i am sorry this is happening to you. |
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PatriciaLynne12 |
DumbHousewife - Ouch! | ||
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Posts: 21 (03/14/08 05:18:52) |
I agree 100% with most everything the group told you. I am the mother of a recovering 28 year old. Everyone's situation is different and over time our worries and the problems change. With regard to my daughter I never one day worried about it 'being my fault' because if I have done anything well in my life it was I was a very good mother. She never threw that at me, but had she, it wouldn't have phased me. My issue that I couldn't accept/deal with/get over/understand was finding a way to fix it because I am the mom, which is a typical response as a parent. Husband/wife blaming is typical in their everyday normal fights, I think. I can imagine a problem becoming an argument and we always tend to blame it or 'take it out' on our spouse, or those closest to us. My point I am trying to make is, NO, it is not your fault, he is using typical behaviors of two spouses arguing - but it is amplified by the meth, but try
to move on from this seeming specific quandry. Maybe start journaling (this could be a long, long process) and when you start questioning whether you are to
blame or his motivation for blaming you, write a affirmation sentence that assures your soul and heart and body, that you are strong and he is sick. An
affirmation could be "I didn't cause, can't cure, can't control it." Perhaps everytime you start feeling anxious, get your journal out
and write this phrase over 20x and maybe even at least 2x a day and when you need to, do your affirmations. In the beginning sometimes we have to say or write
a belief way before we believe it, but the belief will follow.
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sosoconfused |
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Posts: 242 (03/15/08 07:22:53) |
Hi there. My husband tried that one too. You demand too much for me and I can't stay awake to do all that you need. I need it from time to time to do
all that I have to do. NO. He needed to plan his time differently, budget it and ask for help from me. He enjoyed running off to use and he didn't want
my help. If he had the excuse of me being so demanding, he could justify his use. BULLSHYT!
If he is addicted, you are in the ride of your life. Maybe he would consider counseling with you. The earlier you address this, the better. If he is in full blown addiction, expect nothing but lies. I sound harsh, but I have been through it for years. Like another post said, watch out for STDs. For many people (not all) meth causes perverse and hyper sexual behavior. I don't want to scare you, and hopefully your situation will be different from mine, but just be prepared. |
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Macystiller01 |
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Posts: 582 (03/15/08 11:01:06) |
Hello and welcome to the board. I am sorry your husband is using. But maam this is not your fault at all. He is looking for excuses so you will say its ok.
But guess what? Its not. Trust me! I dont know what your plans are but you shouldn't let him blame you and you shouldnt stick around if he uses. The
longer someone uses the worse they get. In the meantime stick around here. There are many who have walked in your shoes and they can give you good advice.
Hugs Macy |
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dumbwife |
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Posts: 3 (03/17/08 10:02:54) |
Thank you everyone for all your thoughtful help. Gary hasn't used since I found his "stash", so I think that everything is going to be just fine.
I will let you all know if things worsen.
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LivesWithWolves1 |
Just Fine | ||
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Posts: 9 (03/17/08 12:04:50) |
Just Fine ...
My mom used to say that all the time... and it wasn't fine. Be careful and pay attention. We all want it to be just fine ... it can be overwhelming. Don't be an Ostrich. |
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 33 (03/17/08 12:10:29) |
I wasn't going to respond to this because I know where she's at right now.
My husband's mother used to say that ALL the time. He's "fine". He seems "fine" to me. He wasn't and he isn't. He was sending me text messages at 4:30am Friday night. Then sending me more the next day that he was out chasing tornadoes in Jackson County. He said a big piece of hail busted his passenger window out. He siad it was "the coolest thing he'd ever done". High on drugs maybe???? Yeah, keep your eyes open. Normally someone using meth isn't just a one time flook. He may just start trying to REALLY hide it now....... |
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