It doesn't look like there's been a lot of recent activity but I don't know where to turn.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now - we have a 2 year old beautiful little boy.
About a year ago - I found the first pipe, of course he denied it, a few months later I found him smoking in our shed while pleasuring himself - still not enough for me to make him leave for more than a few days - I don' tk know why.
Flash forward to now, between a year ago and now I have "caught" him countless times, in countless lies, the most recent things I found were a citation he got caught with a gram, parahelia and was loitering.
Our biggest fight was about time - he would have hours of missing time, errands and tasks took twice as long as they should, he spent hours in the bathroom.
I eventually found out ( a month ago) that he had posted photos and videos of himself on-line and joined "gay" sites and solicited sex with men.
I confronted him - same ole story - his responses are flat, and yes he's sorry and he knows it's wrong and feels bad and wants to quit and will - and will just "do better" etc, etc, etc, and of course it never happens.
I realize how sick it's making me and have sought out my own therapy.
I now feel that I need him to leave but am finding it EXTREMLEY difficult to follow through.
I understand that I cannot manage him or control him but I do have a desire to support him and am afraid of and hate the idea that he will feel so alone/abandoned. I am also afraid that instead of being motivating it might send him in a worse direction - I know I cannot control it but the fear is still there.
If you have ever left or kicked out your addict how did you do it?
I think my problem is that I keep remembering who he was. I truly feel like my partner, best friend, father to my son is dead. he died and in his place is this shell that looks like him and sounds like him but isn't him, at all.
He doesn't even seem affected anymore when I tell him he will have to leave - maybe he thinks I won't follow through or maybe he doesn't care.
His whole affect seems flat - he says all the right things but it feels just like words - he won't get help l- he says he will but won't follow through.
I know it's affecting me, I know I cannot make him do anything - and I feel like him leaving is the best shot both of us have but it's sooooooo damn hard.
I also feel like it runs deeper and is more serious than I know - I feel like for every one thing I know there are probably 5 that I don't.
I'm rambling now - just looking for feedback.