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I was addicted to crystal meth from age twenty until I was thirty-four years old. That's FOURTEEN years of just about EVERY other day of doing this highly addicting drug. I come from a middle-high class family and starting using meth to lose some weight. I was a pretty young girl who was about thirty pounds overweight, and heard this street drug helped you curb your appetite and gave you a boost of energy. I knew I was hooked from day one. Man, was this drug the ULTIMATE!! It made me feel so beautiful and have all this energy. And the sex on it was so mind blowing! Everything on it was mind blowing for me. I loved it. I lost all my excess weight and had the energy to do anything and everything. I ALWAYS went to work because I ALWAYS had the speed to get me through the day. I held down the same job as a waitress for fourteen years--which is how long I did the drug for--fourteen years. Meth made me so friendly and outgoing considering I was semi shy off of the drug, or should I say before I starting using the drug. I kept my drug addiction a secret from my family and friends. People just thought I had tons of energy. And I always had money for my fix since I always went to work. I allowed myself to come down off the drug on my two days off so I could start all over again the beginning of the week. I even hid this secret from my boyfriend of eight years!!!!!! How could he not know I was on speed you ask?? He never tried it and didn't know anyone who did it so how would he know the signs to look for?? He saw me have compulsive shopping marathons and caught me in lies and couldn't understand why I barely slept. And the anger outbursts---oh my God!!! He just thought that was me--how I was normally. I kept it very well hidden. I thought I was just brilliant. I used to roll the meth up in a wad of tissue and swallow it with some water. I didn't want to be the obvious user and have the sniffles all the time or a runny nose. Then after fourteen fast years, at age thirty four I starting having this horrible heaviness within my chest--like I could barely breathe so I rushed to the emergency room. The hospital did an EKG and said something was very wrong with my heart and admitted me. I was shocked considering I never had any health problems and nothing of any illness ran in my family. Of course I had the common cold or occasional flu...but who doesn't? After several days of being in the hospital, I was told I had a leaky mitral heart valve. My heart valve wasn't opening up and closing correctly so I was told I had to have open heart surgery. They gave me the options of either having a pig valve put in, or a mechanical valve made of metal. The pig valve would only last ten years and the metal valve would last forever. The down side about the metal valve was that I would have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life so I would never be "allowed" to have children--because they would be deformed. Never having any kids(which mentally I was never ready for yet since I was such a drug addict) or being able to have kids but having to look forward to having to open heart surgery again ten years down the road--I opted for the no children and had my surgery. About a week later--the hospital kept a close eye on me--I went into cardiac arrest and died for twenty-seven minutes. The doctors told my family and boyfriend I would never mentally be the same. That I would be slow. Being dead that long does something to your brain--the lack of oxygen or something. But the doctors revived me after being dead and I have no brain damage!! I showed them I thought. Then they put in a pacemaker in to give my now damaged heart a shock whenever my heart rate gets out of wack. Needless to say, I was NUTS in the hospital before, during and even after my surgery. The hospital staff all knew I was coming down off from crystal meth. But it wasn't just my coming down from the speed that made me feel like I was losing my mind. It was also accepting my open heart surgery and pacemaker and my option of having children was ripped away from me. I have this huge ugly scar from the top of my chest all the way down to the top of my stomach. And this pacemaker has shocked me several times already which feels like an electric shock going through my heart. It's scary. I also obtained high blood pressure and depression.
I'm now thirty seven years old and have been clean for three years. Not by my choice--believe me. I'm just scared of dropping dead if I do some more speed. Otherwise speed is all I still think about still. I only have 15% of a heart left since the drugs damaged it so badly. I've also gained one hundred pounds which also gave me diabetes. I no longer have any energy and I mean ANY. And I've been clean three years and I am always depressed, tired and fat. I hate my life now so much and still am consumed with having "speed dreams" and still think of wanting to do speed. Speed dreams are where you dream your on speed. I still have them almost every night. Where do I go from here?? I hate my life now so much--I can't seem to shake off this weight--which I know contributes to why I feel I have no energy. I'm still with the same guy and I withold sex from him because I'm never in the mood anymore. "I'm too fat" I tell him. "Please wait for me to lose some weight." And I haven't and he's still waiting. I no longer get any mental highs--no excitement from really anything anymore. Is this what I've become from meth??!! When will it change for me? Or will it ever change?? I'm still waiting........
I want a life back. Am I alone?
Sincerely,
S