I've made the decision to quit meth after an almost 9 month binge (basically). I've tried this twice before, one of those times I was even away for 2 weeks. The longest I've been able to stay off it was 3 weeks (that was including being gone for 2). I realize this isn't a long time but in these last 9 months I've gone from a tolerable jerk to a complete monster. I'm just glad that work hasn't found out yet as I'm fortunate in being able to actually afford my habit and not having to resort to crime. That being said, the toll this has taken on my family is tremendous. The arguments between my wife and I have been the worst I've ever heard of. The things I've said have cut her down to the point of contemplating suicide. I broke the defining core value of mine of never putting my hands on a woman in anger. Luckily, for me, I didn't hit her. I wouldn't be writing this from home if I did. I've forced her to have sex with me (again, luckily for me, she never did say no, although her body language said she did not want to do it, or call the cops). I've threatened to make her watch as I do unmentionable things to next person I catch her talking to behind my back. My kids live in fear daily wondering if there will be another argument or not between us. I have hurt people, held others at gun point just to make a point and some of the thoughts that go through my head daily are flat out scary. For example dousing someone in gasoline and watching them burn. I've seen the effects of this first hand while spending time in a burn center and when I'm normal (anymore, It's very hard to actually get high longer than about an hour before returning to normal for maybe another hour followed by the horrendous crash) it sickens me. I can't turn to work or I'll lose everything (no, seriously, there is a no drug policy and no amnesty for those seeking help). My friends are no longer talking to me or even answering my phone calls or texts. My wife's life has turned to one of letting me +!%@ her just to avoid another argument.
Why am I telling you all this? Two reasons: 1-I need help before it's too late and 2-maybe the details of my hell will scare someone out of trying meth to begin with.
Does it feel good at first? Hell yes! Lots of energy, extreme focus on things and horny as hell! Thats what got me started. Before long my usage was high enough that it became difficult, if not impossible to get hard even though I was horny as hell. Very beneficial to my wife as I'd go down on her for hours. Literally. But after a while I needed kinkier, dirtier things to turn me on. In comes the porn. And hours in the bathroom with silicone based lube (the only thing that didn't rub off and cause sores) jacking off to porn while never getting hard. Did you know you can cum without being hard or ever getting hard? Eventually frustration took over then the slightest thing would set me off and I'd get violent.
Im researching NA in my local area and will be attending the tuesday meeting. My hope is that maybe I can find someone on here to help me through the times I know are coming over the next few days.
I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. All I ask is that while I'm going through this, please do not make any smart ass or harassing comments. I am a real person on the other end of this message actually going through all this @@*#. Judge and criticize me later. But give me time and peace necessary to recover. You've heard the term shattered dreams....welcome to my shattered nightmare.
Why am I telling you all this? Two reasons: 1-I need help before it's too late and 2-maybe the details of my hell will scare someone out of trying meth to begin with.
Does it feel good at first? Hell yes! Lots of energy, extreme focus on things and horny as hell! Thats what got me started. Before long my usage was high enough that it became difficult, if not impossible to get hard even though I was horny as hell. Very beneficial to my wife as I'd go down on her for hours. Literally. But after a while I needed kinkier, dirtier things to turn me on. In comes the porn. And hours in the bathroom with silicone based lube (the only thing that didn't rub off and cause sores) jacking off to porn while never getting hard. Did you know you can cum without being hard or ever getting hard? Eventually frustration took over then the slightest thing would set me off and I'd get violent.
Im researching NA in my local area and will be attending the tuesday meeting. My hope is that maybe I can find someone on here to help me through the times I know are coming over the next few days.
I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. All I ask is that while I'm going through this, please do not make any smart ass or harassing comments. I am a real person on the other end of this message actually going through all this @@*#. Judge and criticize me later. But give me time and peace necessary to recover. You've heard the term shattered dreams....welcome to my shattered nightmare.
