This is my first time posting to a board, so please bare with me.... My husband has been using meth on and off for 2 years. I found out about it in Novemberof last year. I was so mad, scarred, hurt and confused. I confronted him with it and after a long talk he quit. A few weeks later due to the siuation we were in at the time he said he neeed it, to get what he needed to done. He assured me that he had control and it was only going to be for a little while longer. I know I shouldn't have enabeled him, but according to him I was the reason he started in the first place. I cannot even beging to describe what it was like before, the mood swings the HORRIBLE fighting, which I was always made to feel it was my fault. I figured since he was being honest with me about it things would be different. In July of last year I was diagnosed with ADD and started taking adderall to help me. It has come up more than once that I'm "doing" the same thing as him....there is no difference between the 2.
The past 2 months have been the worst! I am stressed because we are struggling finacially, there has been $ set aside for bills and he spends it on meth, this has happened twice, and large amounts of money, we wern't even able to pay bills last month. But I am always to blame. We were talking last week about finances and I got stressed and asked when he was going to stop, he got so defensve and accused me of having an alterior motive for sitting down and talking. After the fight I once again felt like a failure, like I was causing all these problems and guilty for getting him mad. The straw that broke the camels back for me was, he told me that he kept $40 out of his check for gas, and that he was "done" (we just didn't have the $ anymore) I found his check stub and saw that he actually kept 250. I went in to ask him about it and he was smoking, I tried so hard to keep calm, but I asked him how much of his check he kept out, he didn't awnser the question, but said it was from before, ect....this erupted in to one of the biggest arguments yet, and it kept going, I tried to tell him that I was scarred of what might happen to him, he unleashed on me a multitude of what my issues were (and I admit to having them, I'm not perfect) And it was just bad. I found out the next day that he did infact have the $ on him at one point and that was the same day I caught him. I was going to let it go, I am so tired of fighting and being made to feel like this is all my fault....this morning he got mad at me and went into the bathroom where I herd him say F.U. I snapped, I walked in and confromted him with his lie, and he danced around it saying that he didn't lie, he just didn't tell me all the $ he took out and the $ he had taken is what he owed someone. This comming from the man who hates lies, and just said to me the night befor that he has never lied to me and he has always been up front and honest with me. He got mad at me for looking through his bag and not trusting him. Its almost like he accused me of the actions he is doing, being moody, lying, spending money friviously. I gathered evrything in me trying to be calm, but it just kept getting worse. I have no intentions of leaving but this isn't the man I married! He's almost out and told me he is not getting anymore. I have gone through detox with him and know what to expect, moody snapping and sleeping for long periods of time.
No one else knows this and I feel so ALONE! I tried to believe him that he had a handle, and he does function quite well, he went 1 1/2 years before I finally got a clue, but his mood swings and anger were caused by me, according to him.
Do I have a leg to stand on here? this morning he told me that my actions (causing fights) and just generally being a *&^@ing Bi... have broken his heart and that he is so hurt by me and what I do to him and what I cause.... I feel like I am going crazy! I tried to tell him that he had broken my heart too, every time he calls me a profane name and tells me how fu@#*%ed up I am and once again it was turned on me, how he does everything for me and has given me the world, and all I can think of is myself and what a selfish #**%@ I am. I love him so much, if I didn't care, if I didn't love him I wouldn't care what he does....he doesn't see that.
I guess I am wondering if he ever going to be the same man I married? Is he ever going relize what he did, said and his actions? I pray for him all day everyday! I take the blame for our fights so our kids will blame me, not him, but the notice the mood swings too. Can someone using meth keep it under controll like he said he could? Is this person I am seeing in my husband due to his use? I have no clue! I am not to knowlagable about drugs and when doing research it gets so overwhelming! Did I cause this? I can take responsibility for my role in our fights, but why is it always all my fault? Am I that messed up, like he says I am? Yes, I am working through the challenges I face with my ADD.....but I feel that he uses that as an excuse that I am always to blame. Like I did today....I stood up to him and wasnt backing down, but if I even think about mentioning the fact that he is acting this way because of his drug use.....I'm the pot calling the kettel black because of the meds I take for my ADD. Is this person the result of meth? I need someone, anyone to offer any help possible, I will fight for him and for my family with everything I have....I was just wondering if there is hope for me and finding the man I married, and the wondeful daddy I know he is.
I'm sorry this is so long but I am desperate!!!! I've considered talking to my pastor for guidence and help (my husband does not go to church) but again, I'm scarred to say anything to anyone about it. I will say thank you in advance, I feel so alone right now that I just don't know what to do.