I was a pity party animal for years after I got off the shitt. Only I didnt know it at the time. I though I had done something to myself that would cost me the ability to be myself again. It wasnt until this last year or so that I finely partied out. Sometimes I wore the proper cloths and ate the right foods of the pity party animal,sometimes I didn't. But the music was always in my head. Songs like ''''Why Dont You Enjoy it Like You Use To Do''''The First Step Is The Hardest, Then It Just Sucks''''I Tried It A Time or Two, Its Just Not Worth It'''' and my favorite, ''''Fuckk Them Rocks... They Dont Look Like They Use To''''
I functioned, I worked, I took care of business, I even had sex from time to time. But when it came to enjoying myself I couldnt figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I could not get over not being able to enjoy the things I use to do. That was the loss that hurt the most from the other post. I thought I had lost myself after all what I done was who I was. And really in a way thats not to far off the mark today.
What happened was that slowly over a period of time I found that I could get excited over things. It freaked me out when I discovered I liked reading. I mean who does that? At one point the notion to go to school crossed my mind. I felt a little twinge. Faintly like the prospect of going on a hunting trip. Now how could that be? The first time I worked with kids through our H&I program in NA I felt like I was high as a kite. The other day through that same program I sat dow with a local sheriff and talked with him about my meth addiction and recovery and he didn't cuff me. Imagine how that felt.
Through these and similar events I have finely loosened the death grip on who I thought I was and the me I wanted to be. Because in that grip I held the rest of the world in contempt prior to investigation. As the Big Book says. I feel just as much joy in doing things today as I ever have. Its weird I didn't work toward it or paln it. It just happened. This is the freedom to be me that service in NA & AA has afforded me. I no longer dwell on the past. Theirs a great big insteresting world out their to explore. And if it leads me back to some of them old interest that's ok and if it don't that's ok too I have plenty more today.
I hope you all find what your looking for. Or maybe even better yet. For what your not.
The pity Party Animal
