Although I’ve used drugs of one kind or another most of my adult life I wont go back any farther than the meth. I think that’s pretty much when I became fearful that I was losing control. However that fear was usually smothered out by the uncontrollable urge to use the stuff. Then forgotten once I had done so. I don’t think theirs much use in going through all the years of my addiction to it either. Lets just jump toward the end and say it never got any better.
I’ve heard it said that we don’t loose anything we give it away. And for the most part Im inclined to agree with that. But if you would, humor me please for the sake of my catchy title. Buy the time I quit using every aspect of my life had become unmanageable. 24 hours a day 8 days a week my life was for the most part devoted to staying high. Everything else was just falling through the cracks. I know I seen it happening but every time that batch would crystalize it made it all worth while. I had lost the ability to care about anything else.
Thank God they put me in jail when they did. Or those precious things I’ve been so blessed to have held onto would have been lost also. I don’t believe I would have ever just quit on my own. Unless the next worse thing had prompted a change. And who knows what that might have been. You know what they say. Jails, institutions or death. I had either lost the ability to quit or to see my addiction as the problem. Im not really sure what was going on. Denial, insanity, both, more, less. You name it. It still baffles the hell out of me. All I knew that last day was that I was going to jail for a month and I damn well had to have something to smoke on the way their.
At that time I hadn’t had a job in 3 years. I didn’t have a dime to my name. I didn’t have a phone, drivers licences, any kind of insurances, utilities were being turned off and on every month, the house was once again in forclouser and up for sheriffs sale, everybody in it was using, my wife and I fighting like cats and dogs. And as best I can remember I really didn’t give a damn as long as I had some dope to smoke. March first 2005 was just another day in the neighbor hood with a couple exceptions. The first being I was going to jail and as it turned out to date anyway, the last day I used meth.
When I went to jail I had no intentions of stopping and getting my shitt together or anything like that. To be perfectly honest when I walked in I thought I had my shitt together. It wasn’t until the dope started wearing off and reality started sitting in that my view of things started to change. I had used for so long without coming down that I had forgotten what the pain of not using felt like. I had no idea the truth was going to start to surface and my emotions were going to hit me like a train. Hell I thought I was just going to jail for a little bit. Boy was that a misconception.
For the first time in my entire life I began to feel lost. I couldn’t believe what I had done. Amnesia would have been a blessing right about then because I remember everything, see everything, hear everything. Its all right their. What I did what I thought what I believed. And all I could do was stand their in disbelief and take it. Eat up with shame and guilt and thinking who the hell are yea, and what happened. All those years just went flashing by in my mind as I tried to get a grip. Now I don’t say that for an o you poor thing response. Because Im as guilty as sin of all of it. I knew exactly what I was doing while I was doing it. Its just now I cant believe I let everything go down like that. I don’t know it was crazy man. One day its alright the next day its not. Some how some where along the way I lost myself.
Im not going to try and explain what went on during those 30 days in lock up. I cant. Lets just say I came out without the desire to use and it shocked me more than it did anybody. I will say that I know today theirs a lot of powers out their greater that greg. Some of them I know what they look like and some of them I don’t. Theirs a few I want to stay the hell away from and at least one I would love to draw closer to. What I also found out was that the drugs screwed my head up and just not using didn’t fix the problem. Of course that little tid-bit of information neither came quickly or easily. And had it not been for the Jackson County Judge. ''One of those powers greater than greg'' I probably would have used before I found it out.
I was miserable clean. I didn’t feel like me anymore. Ever look in a mirror and not know who you were looking at? One time hating the bastard, the next wondering what the hell was wrong with him. And why couldn’t he just snap out of it and quit feeling sorry for himself instead of laying around scared, anger, and confused all the time.
Turns out I needed help. I was trying to do something on my own that I had never done before ''live clean and recover from drug addiction'' and I didn’t have a clue as how to do that. Thank God for recovery programs and everyone else who was willing to help. Today I try to work a program of recovery and for good measure throw in a little medicine, religion, and physcitrary. God knows I can use all the help I can get. And I thank Him every day for the people he has placed in my life. I cant say I know exactly who I am today but I have found the ability to not freak out over it. I have found a way to live most days both clean and happy. My wife and I are enjoying reconstructing our life. And everything else seems to be falling into place instead of through the cracks.
Before I wrote this I was sitting here thinking about how hard it was the first couple years clean and all the things I had lost or thought I had lost back then. Then thinking about today and how grateful I am to have what I have and be who I am. Not so much the material things but my relationship with family, friends and myself. Along with the inter peace that seems to come with a little faith in whatever it is that is out their.
I guess I never really lost or found anything. Meth consumed my life and I gave everything else up. After I quit using some days I felt like giving up on life itself. I felt like I was dying inside. But today through being involved in a recovery program I have been given back so much more. The ill effects of my addiction on my life are all but gone. It feels good to be 52 and free. I wish I could put it in word or draw you a picture to describe it but I can't. All I can do is pray you get it.
Please what ever your going through dont give up on yourself. You dont have to go through it on your own, but you do have to go through it. Find a recovery program that fits your needs, get involved and let those who have been their help guide you through.
