Hi KCI,
It's been a while, but just wanted to share something tonight.
It's difficult to learn to let things go, and my own path to learning this has been full of ups and downs, but it's the best thing I ever did. Because when you are not pushing and prodding and nagging and berating the addict in your life, things are a lot easier for both sides.
It is difficult to let things go, when someone has caused you pain, but they do not acknowledge it. However, strength comes from being able to validate your own feelings. Freedom comes from being able to acknowledge that you have a right to your pain, but also not allowing that pain to control you. This is how you move forward. And this is how you have control over your own emotions.
This is how I am able to let my pain go, even though there is still a little voice sometimes who demands I get validation and an apology from the addict in my life. But when you have control over your thoughts and feelings, you can tell that little voice to be silent. I like to think of it as a mother giving a child some wise advice. Sometimes my old self (the child) screams at me, demanding I get some kind of retribution. But then the new me (the mother) tells the child calmly, and kindly, that she knows best, and to just let it go.
At the beginning of my journey, my emotional state was closely tied to my reactions to his actions. But now, I hardly ever react. If I don't react, I can't get upset. Therefore, my emotions are my own - they are not based upon how his life is going. On the rare occasion that I slip up, and do react, it is not as extreme a reaction as it once was, and I almost instantly realise what has happened. So I put a stop to it before it has a chance to affect me.
It is still hard work, don't get me wrong. But it's the best thing I ever did - learning what I can and cannot control. And learning to be responsible for my own healing. Learning that I can give myself a mental hug - I do not need anyone else to validate my emotions. Learning these things has enriched my life in so many other areas. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago.
This may sound strange to some people, but I am grateful for all the challenges that addiction has brought into my life. Because I would not be the person I am today, if I had not overcome those challenges. And I would not have learned so much about myself, and I would not have grown as much as I have.
I hope someone out there who is hurting can find some hope from my experience. Because I honestly thought I would die from so much pain. But now, I see it as the greatest gift I ever received.
I used to think that this big grey cloud that came into my life would have no silver lining. But it turns out there was one. And it was actually bigger than the cloud. Now I'm grateful for that cloud, because I'm shining. Shining from all the silver it left behind.
