"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted--an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving the intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, ***damn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time."
~Eat, Pray, Love~
I had a difficult Thanksgiving. I knew it would be. I knew he would be coming for......something.......and I was right. It was like I was feeling the calm before the storm. I did every single thing I could to avoid it. So he came to my house. I am ashamed to say that I lost it. I did. I know some of you are going to really crawl my ass for it.....but I hit him. I beat him. Every emotion that I have had bottled up in me, all the anger at the way he got up and walked out......knowing he wasn't coming back......all the hurt from years of holding onto something that I never even had......came pouring out of me in that very moment and I beat him.....
He left with a bloody nose and a busted lip. He never retaliated. He stood there like a beat dog and took it. He told me the only thing he loved more than me was dope and that he was sorry he was a junkie.
I told him I never wanted to lay eyes on him ever again. He is not JUST a junkie......he is a sociopath and he makes me sick to look at him. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie.
I know I was wrong for hitting him.......but I couldn't help it. I physically had no control.
Hate is not the opposite of love........indifference is........I wish I was indifferent. I hate this man.......you have to have love in order to feel hate. I wish I knew where I could find some indifference.
Now he knows I still care. He will use that against me in the future. I know he will. When he left he said that the house and everything in it belongs to him (including me), even-though he is living with another woman as we speak.
I am actively looking for a new house. I have to move from there........or he will never let me live in peace. It is not a healthy situation for either of us.
I don't know why I posted this......I guess it was a confession??? Maybe that's what it is.....a confession to you, my only respite.......and so I can see in black and white how insane I have allowed myself to get.....
~Eat, Pray, Love~
I had a difficult Thanksgiving. I knew it would be. I knew he would be coming for......something.......and I was right. It was like I was feeling the calm before the storm. I did every single thing I could to avoid it. So he came to my house. I am ashamed to say that I lost it. I did. I know some of you are going to really crawl my ass for it.....but I hit him. I beat him. Every emotion that I have had bottled up in me, all the anger at the way he got up and walked out......knowing he wasn't coming back......all the hurt from years of holding onto something that I never even had......came pouring out of me in that very moment and I beat him.....
He left with a bloody nose and a busted lip. He never retaliated. He stood there like a beat dog and took it. He told me the only thing he loved more than me was dope and that he was sorry he was a junkie.
I told him I never wanted to lay eyes on him ever again. He is not JUST a junkie......he is a sociopath and he makes me sick to look at him. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie.
I know I was wrong for hitting him.......but I couldn't help it. I physically had no control.
Hate is not the opposite of love........indifference is........I wish I was indifferent. I hate this man.......you have to have love in order to feel hate. I wish I knew where I could find some indifference.
Now he knows I still care. He will use that against me in the future. I know he will. When he left he said that the house and everything in it belongs to him (including me), even-though he is living with another woman as we speak.
I am actively looking for a new house. I have to move from there........or he will never let me live in peace. It is not a healthy situation for either of us.
I don't know why I posted this......I guess it was a confession??? Maybe that's what it is.....a confession to you, my only respite.......and so I can see in black and white how insane I have allowed myself to get.....
