To date i havent met anyone who can eat.....With ease.
I have no problem eating at all,I dont as such get hungry but,Built routine to eat 3 meals daily.
and i accually enjoy eating its as iv it gives a littil extra Endorphins.
How is it possible to eat,like i can,"But i dont think i accualy get much nutrition from everything i eat"
Beacuse i accually eat more whilst on meth "Lots More" and yet i dont gain wieght "I do wirght more now then i ever have thou"
Gained 6kg when i relapsed.Its driving me nuts why does it do nothing,I can sleep,Eat,and function "all in one"
Im worried iv *#+# some heavy kak up in my brain beacuse,Instead of making me "Super Everything" it makes me feel "Emotions,wich when im sober just arnt there at all,i can only cry,angry,sad,happyw.And in my own stupidity "I take Hit after Hit after Hit"
Sometimes smoking a gram all alone in less than an hour and still nothing.My frends brother once said something about herion addicts and how they "So called " chase the dragon but no matter how hard they try they just cant catch it.I can relate to that
Feeling,But yet i still try.Im like a stupid monkey that keeps pressing a botton beacuse thats hat is role is.
Is it possible iv destroyed,my Most vital Nurotransmitters,in my stupidity.Beacuse how can i be emotionaly numb for all the time im sober."and this is not taken on a sort time,"Im talking Months and Months.Then when i use meth i get,my emotions back negative and positive".The emotional numbness
is why i started seeing a Phsycologist,I also have sever PTSD,aswell as Major Deppresion psychotic disorder and Schizoaffective disorder.These dissorders all started when i quite on Febuary 6 2010.I had pre-exsisting ADHD and OCD wich after quiting got 100 time worse to a point where functioning became really difficult,all of Wich i blame on the exsesive meth use.The PTSD was caussed,by bieng Kiddnaped "In a way of speaking" bieng used and abused.Having guns pulled on me freqauntly,and people treating me dailly.While all of this happend,i was as high as a kite,that got high its self.I forgot to say,That i was brought up in a littil farm town,with as innocint of a mind as possible "and no street smart",Then in moments somehow,i got invoelved with the most powerfull gangs in cape town "South Africa" bieng exsposed to everything from Human trafficing to murder,drugs and everything tht goes with it.But the memorys of the events all feel like it wasnt really me,more like it was a TV program.
An example of an event that i cant rap my mind around is this:In the afternoon while walking towards,my flast i spot a hand sized packet lying on the groung.Pick it up and go to my flat,apon opening it i find 23 Rocks "Crack Cocain".Never had used it before,that day.So smoked all of them,was very dissapointed,i thought i could get higher even thou i had smoked a gram of meth before the 23 Rocks,and still had a 2 grams of meth left for afterwards.Around 3 O'clock That night with 1 gram off meth remaining me and 3 meth addicts "I call them that beacuse they werent really my frends" wich i realized when i was clean.So there a knock on the door,We all say,"not for a *#+#,is anyone opening that door" "DODGY".Well before we could even argue my flat mate walks towards the door and is like "Dont worry Guys,they my frends".15 min later theve got guns out and are robbing us "Beacuse they thought we where drug dealers selling on there terf "or something like that" i was the odd one out in the flat seeing as i was the only White individual there "dont get me wrong,im not a racsist,but in south Africa race diffrences are still a big issue amongest most.Esspecially The young Coloured community".So there was alot of attention and hatred towards me.But my reaction was,so wierd,i was so relaxed its a joke thinking about it now,While having a gun trust in to my chest,with this gangster shouting at me,and holding me down.I was like "Awe,no problem heres my cash just give my cards back when your finshed with my wallet please.its gana be so much effort to get the renewed-wich they did-then i strolled over to my bed sat down,smilling away and procceed to relax and smoke a cig...Im Meen what the @#$% was that,all my frends where freaking in tears and completly histerical.I became completly disconnected.After they had cut our secriuty phone and locked us in the flat and left.Then i procceded to laugh for hours at how funny the whole event had been.When it did eventually strike me i became numb.Never been the same since.I had only ever seen things like that on TV.Could that have a contribution to the emotions being non exsistent..."When sober" and "only felt when High" aswell.
I also cannot trust anyone,i havent met before the event at all.Only people i had contact with before the event.are trust worthy in my eyes.I cant be with more then one person i dont know at a time otherwise i completly withdraw and start analizing,as if im thinking for others.I watch body language,eye movement.Speech patterns even look at the phycological factors,socail factors everything.Observing and evaluating the situation "6 months Clean i was still doing this".After relapse,parraniod fear of strangers went away.I studyed phycology,aswell as body languege as a hobby seeing as all my familly members are involed in that field.While i was still a prisoner to these gangs,whom where useing me"beacuse i had a residence aswell as bieng well off beacuse of wealthy perants,Fully stocked kitchen and flat.I was the eastiest Mark for them and the drugs made it all the more easy. " I eventual developrd stockholh syndrom" So socailizing with any stranger what so ever,is was not possible becuase of my exsesive ANALYIZING.I know that alot of this is probelly caussed by the PTSD "I feel Meth contributed to the severness of it though.Has anyone maby had simmilar things happen,simmilar mental factors ("PTSD"or"Schizoaffective"or"Major psychotic disorder".Aslwell as the "ADHD"or"OCD" thing which got horribly bad.Can I get some advice guidences maby,and an anwser to the fact that eating is bliss on meth but horrible when not on meth,Sleep is possible whilst on meth but not when not on meth "i get insomnia".While writting this im accuallt getting more and more concernd,Is Physical addiction possible,is it possible that iv developed a phisical need "Thats a horribly worring thought".Please if you have a simmilar story,or know whats going on,or Has any usefull Knowledge.Anything except negitive words Please,Im not insulting anyone so please respect me aswell.To anyone that sares who can share with me,i will be very gratefull.Thank you