When the past haunts you...
I'm sorry I haven't been around much and not keeping in the best touch with everyone. Things are mostly going pretty good in my world, albeit it time is freakin' flying!
I was actually going to post about this awhile ago - but now that something has happened, I guess I'll put it all together.
Anyway, I have been away from "the meth life" for 5 years now. I went to rehabs for the first year, lived in seclusion for 2 years, had an awkward, slow re-entry to "life" in the 3rd year, and the past couple of years my life I have been slowly building a life I can really be proud of. I have developed friends, I am learning to trust, I am involved in one of the best sports ever, and I am really learning to feel, be myself, and live an HONEST life.
The thing I still struggle with though is the past. Not so much the things that happened in my past. I actually stumbled on a first step I had written out, and was pretty shocked at the things I had in there, things I had forgotten, things that were really messed up. I've come such a long way that I literally have let these horrible memories fade away, somewhat.
But what the struggle is, is that I feel like on a few occasions, I've had to just chop away entire sections of my life, and throw them away like moldy cheese, or amputate it like a limb riddled with gangrene. And I am ashamed of it. I have had a lot of struggles with self worth, and the very act of throwing out the bad years of my life just makes me feel kind of incomplete. The people, the places, the things, they are all gone, and sometimes it feels like they didn't ever exist. People I really loved during those times (some of them died or became estranged from me) just disappear from my life, and I feel like I have no continuity, no history. Like I barely started to exist, and automatically that makes others not trust me or something.
It's been harder to "let people in" because I don't want to be defined as "addicted gone good". I don't want people to see those moldy, dead pieces of my life, but I have nothing else to show for that lost time so.... I just don't have anything to say.
There is another element to it too. On Sunday, I found out that an old friend who I cared and loved very much, passed away. He was treated to some of the worst parts of my addiction, and I always wanted to make real amends with him because of almost everyone I knew in SF, I missed him the most. I screwed him over, and he very smartly set boundaries that pretty much pushed me out of his life, and why wouldn't he?
He had cancer. Apparently, for a long time. And I never knew... I was too stupidly afraid to have to face that part of my life in order to reach out to him that I just... wished and hoped that he would reach out to me first, that he would care first, that he would forgive me first for being such an incredible *%%#$@*#*, first. I wished and waited and hoped for too long, and now he's gone and I paced back and forth in my house feeling like a wrecking ball just swooped in and crushed my heart. It's not that I wanted something from him.... I wanted HIM to know that I always meant to put our friendship first before the meth, that I should have defended HIM when my boyfriend robbed him, and not the other way around. That I never meant to disrespect him. I just wanted him to know that I actually did care, and loved him more than I had the ability to show.
Apparently I didn't care enough though. Fear of my past, fear of being "that girl" again, fear of showing my face in a city I LOVED because I was too embarassed of who I was, kept me from being a real friend. And now, I am just kind of hurting alone. Every other element of that life was disposed of a long time ago. Like I was never a part of it to begin with. I never lived in San Francisco, I never made any friends, I never did anything other than exist in a total blackout.
So.... as I always do, I'll be eating this enchilada alone... swallowing big chunks of shame and hoping it shits out promptly and with minimal mess.
Regret is always so much stronger than you "budget for".
Does anyone have any thoughts or words of wisdom for me?