I hate change and I resist it with every fiber of my being.
But, how I feel about change now, is nothing compared to how it was four years ago, or “three years and three, hundred and sixty four days ago” to be more exact.
On June 5th, 2006, I hated change so much, that I was willing to die for my addiction.
It didn’t matter that I lived in chaos, or that I hadn’t talked to my mother in several years or my father in months and that I hadn’t answered the phone in at least a couple of years.
I lived in such filth that I can’t bring myself to tell you about it, and the only reason I had a job is because I worked unsupervised and could avoid people, actually, I pretty much avoided everyone, I even ignored the lady that I had lived with for 20 years.
I was way past the impulsive suicide ideation thing that pretty much hits all of us in the downhill slide of addiction and was content with the knowledge that I was slowly killing myself instead.
So many areas of my life were only hanging on by a thread…
And then on June 6th, the bottom fell out and I quit doing drugs. I quit because my freedom depended on it.
On that day four years ago, I learned that I would rather die than live in a locked room for the next several years.
I hate change and I resist it with every fiber of my being.
But, recovery, in a word, is change…
I have learned to embrace being uncomfortable, because it means that I, as a person, am growing…and changing.
And when it gets to be too much, I know that I can back off, or talk to someone and I can lean on someone for support…
I understand now that all great journeys begin with one step. And that is what I do; I just try to move forward a little bit at a time and to keep placing one foot in front of the other…
And with each step forward the old ways give way to new ones, and the memories of my addiction become fainter and fainter…
I can’t help but smile when I think of that saying that goes, “we may not be able to rewrite the beginning, but we can sure as heck write a new ending”…
That’s money baby.
From the earliest days of my sobriety, I believed in the promise that recovery offered a better life and I have not been disappointed.
Do you ever ask yourself what you want from recovery?
I do, and I can promise you that my answers have led me to a better life.
And yours will too…
Peace to you all
