Amylynne,

I lost my mother on February 8th and it was smoking related also. She stopped smoking around 5 years ago, because of the doctors serious warning, and she still died. Believe me, I have been through the what ifs big time. She pretty much died in front of my eyes at home, and I was afraid to start CPR, because I thought if I did it wrong I would hurt her, although I got my dad's oxygen on her. I know infant CPR, but have never done adult and I thought I might hurt her. Instead she ended up in a coma from lack of oxygen on a vent...

I have had a very hard time, blaming myself for things... I ended up going to counseling because I was headed over the edge, and it has helped me greatly. I have PTSD from the situation. I know your pain. Maybe it is time to get some grief counseling, and let go of the inner fears that are binding you. You need someone to talk to, to let this all out, it is too much to keep inside~believe me, I know.

It is going to be my first Mother's Day without my Mom too. I took the day off of work, because I didn't want to hear anything about Mother's Day... Understand that your mom is in a much better place and she is still around you. My mom has given me many signs of her presence. I wish I could give you some encouraging words, regarding smoking, but I can't. You will get through Mother's Day and you will find a way to stop smoking, even if it is cutting back a little at a time. Grieve the loss of your mom, but don't let it take the life that you have now from you. Take it one step at a time, sweetie.

Hugs,
Sharon