I am still in the relationship, I am so in love with him and see him beyond his use, but his use keeps pulling the rug out from under me. He keeps telling me that he is not using, but I cannot trust him, I HATE THIS!!!!!! How can you have a relationship without TRUST???? I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that I AM OKAY, because I AM NOT.

What makes it worse is the fact that I cannot forget certain things that happened while he was using lots during our first couple of years together. I cannot forget that he had all kinds of young dope whores over at our house while I was at work, I cannot forget that he actually slept with a few of these dope whores ( and I actually believe he was related to one or two of these girls!!!), I cannot forget all the phone calls and text messages to different girls, I cannot forget the open flirting he did with these chicks, I cannot forget that he would sneak around to meet up with these girls when I was home to either get a fix or get his groove on with them. Either way, it is betrayal and something that I am having a hard time letting go of.

What is wrong with me? I am a good person, a moral person, I take care of myself and take pride in my life and lifestyle. He said he wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him, so what happened? Do I just not exist? Why would he WANT or HAVE to be with these dope whores when I am at home? At home cleaning, cooking, working, watching the kids, doing the normal things people do. I am not out there having a SECOND LIFE, a life I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. People I will never meet, but see their cell numbers on the phone bill each month. It also seems he talks to "those people" more than he does me.

Lately he has been pulling away AGAIN, his dope buddies have been by the house a few times (but of course, nothing happened!!! RIGHT!!). He is just not acting like he give a shyt!!

He uses, hides it from me (which is very easy to do because I am never home during the week and he is out and about sometimes on the weekends), then lies to me about it and expects me to be OKAY with it. Guess since I never did leave, in his mind I AM OKAY WITH IT, so why should he stop? I guess losing me is not pressure enough for him to stop and I must accept that and I guess LEAVE AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE!!! If I would have know about this meth maddness, I would have NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER gotten involved with him.

Why me? I am too old to start over AGAIN!!!!!!!!