DeborahB wrote:

He also gets up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and pees on the floor in our room. He manipulates, uses people, and lives in some kind of alternate world where he is a saint who always gets crapped on by everyone around him...especially me. He accuses me of having all the negative traits that are actually his..and he believes it.

My family lives in Vegas and have been nothing but supportive. My sister has offered to rent me a room, cheap, if I want to move there for as long as I want. We're best friends and she is a "normie" who has never used drugs. My mom is also there. Its a safe place, away from everyone here, and away from my boyfriend. Its a place where i won't have to worry all the time about just living and focus on me...stabilizing my meds, getting more involved in my recovery in a positive enviornment, getting counceling, getting out of this destructive relationship with my boyfriend for good, becoming the mom I want to be for my kids (3 are grown and 1 is 13) and learning how to live as a real-life, productive member of society. I'm scared.


Deb - look at what you wrote - first I bolded the part about the ass you are with because - wow - I would swear we have been dating the same jerk! So believe me when I say I get it - I'm here as a loved one ...

I want to suggest to you that going to a safe place - choosing to leave a bad environment that will not support your recovery and going to a safe healthy place to recover actually is not being a f*ck up or a loser - it is a choice that shows maturity, courage, strength.

You can make a short term sacrifice in terms of being in San Diego close to your 13 year old and become the mother she and your other children deserve and have a life you can be proud of and fulfilled by or you can listen to the crap in your head and it will keep you stuck right where you are.

I vote you go home and regroup where people love you and won't be calling you terrible names. Your soul doesn't need to hear that verbal vomit out of an obviously selfish sick person.

Yes by the way it is scary - I always think when I am afraid it is like this - the moon when you look at it is dark on one side - right? and light on the other... So if you are looking at one side you will say it is dark and the other - it is light - so I think fear is one side and excitement and opportunity are the other - emotions are like that -

love is one side - indifference is the other
hate is one side - indifference is the other
selfishness one side - self protection the other
selflessness one side - exposure vulnerability is the other
fear is one side - excitement is the other

does that make sense? those are just my ideas so if it helps great
- if not - disregard it -

but no matter what - keep coming back here and reading and posting - there is a lot of great support here for you.