Suz, it so weird that you say this because I feel almost exactly the same right now.

I realized something really weird yesterday:

I often DO feel like celebrating. But it has to be for something meaningful to me. Or to someone I know. I think a lot of people are much happier than I am - (mood wise), so it's easy to kick them into gear and feel like something special is happening when a certain time passes.

I guess I need more foreplay than that.


I felt bad yesterday because I was pretty much ignored at work while everyone else has been discussing their new years eve plans - and a whole shitload of people were hanging out together. People who I thought were my friends. I am starting to realize that I am probably sort of a downer - I am used to living in darkness, and most of the folks at my work really just aren't. So my sense of humor falls flat on a lot of them - they are almost painfully "normal" and "light" and a pretty homogenous bunch. I really like them, but I often feel like an outcast.

I guess it hasn't helped that I have been in pain for a week straight - sometimes excruciating, sometimes just painful and distracting. It's totally affected my moods - I can barely do anything (including rest!)

I didn't go through any of this stuff in high school, because well, I was HIGH and did whatever the %+@! I wanted. I didn't give anyone a chance to outcast me - I jumped the gun on them.


I am a much happier person now, but apparently not happy enough. Or "light" enough, whatever that means.

I just try to think, sometimes it's not easy being a badass.

And i try to believe that it applies to me.

It definitely applies to you, Suz!