I looked and didn't find anything. Nothing. She's not living at the house anymore so there's nothing new to find.

But I did see her today and tried to talk to her (why do I do it?). I told her that she is addicted to something and I know it, that it's the only explanation for her behavior. She said she isn't doing drugs and doesn't expect me to believe her after all of the lies that have been told a la the affair. I said that I could not believe her on this any more than I could about the affair and other lies, adding that I have absolutely no doubt that her bf is a user and that there's a reason he has lost many of his teeth. I told her that no one loves her like I do and that I'm the one that wants to see her get her life on track, but it fell on deaf ears, of course. I suppose it could just be the vodka and/or sex (ugh).

Oh well. I have to try. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I didn't try to help her, but then again, I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. Maybe I should just shut the hell up and wait for her to hit total rock bottom on her own. It's difficult for me not to try to get through to her, though.

Don't get me wrong. I'm done with the marriage. I just want her to get herself turned around. I did spend 19 years with her and have three wonderful kids, kids who are my motivation to be a better person and father.