I guess you're just not done yet. For me the pain of living the drug addict lifestyle was more painful that living a life without drugs. Even in the beginning of recovery I was happier not using vs. using. I was so tired of living to make money for drugs. It was exhausting. Having to go cop dope everyday or else go into physical withdrawals, I'm a recovering heroin addict. Even if I didn't want to get out of bed that day I had to because if I didn't I the sickness would come on in a short amount of time and I would be screwed if I didn't get up and get out of the house and hustle up some cash for a ball. It was a totally horriable hand to mouth existence in the end. WHen I started using H I had a nice BMW, a nice place, money in the bank, life was good. In the end I was homeless, broke, unemployable, living the life of a street junkie. I NEVER want to return to that hell on earth. Once you learn that having feelings is normal and it's okay to be unhappy at times then life becomes easier to handle. I felt crappy when strung out, I can deal with feeling crappy in sobriety too. The thing is I feel happy more days than not in recovery. If you would stick with getting clean it gets easier over time.

Jamie