That's great! You know, dealing with an addict that continues to jump on the merry-go-round of active addiction is so draining physically and mentally. It ages you and uses you up big time. If nothing changes then nothing will change. He is continuing on cycle of using, crashing, feeling depressed and remorseful, to being angry and picking fights and blaming others, back to using, crashing, feeling depressed and remorseful, oh and then maybe a trip to the hospital or treatment center, back to using, crashing, feeling depressed and remorseful, and so it continues over and over again. Month after month, year after year, decade after decade. Talk is cheap, and they talk a lot about how they are really sorry and this time is different. They profess their love, their commitment, their willingness to do whatever it takes to get clean and make this relationship work. The thing is they never back it up with action or if they do the action is usually half--asssed and never lasts any significant amount of time. They know if they are allowed to talk to us that we will cave and give in to them and take them back for yet another chance. So the key is to not talk to them or have any contact at all. I mean it's not beneficial to you or your kids to see him while he's on the merry-go-round. Even if he is "behaving himself" and not high it's still not a good idea to see him or take the girls to see him. He will claim he wants to see his child, he will demand to see his child. The thing is he isn't really all that interested in visitation with his daughter, it's you he wants visitation with. WHY? So he can talk at you, get in your head and wear you down once again so you will take him back. This is why visitation is so dangerous and in my opinion shouldn't be allowed. He isn't in any condition to see his daughter. He isn't living a life of recovery, he's not doing anything to change. You know he will do exactly what I said and talk at you and wear you down until you give in. So don't let it happen Susan. You have been down that road before, and so have I. We both know where it ends, with yet another episode of unacceptable behavior and an actively using addict blaming everyone and everything for his use.

In the beginning it is hard to process all these emotions and deal with them constructively. That's why it's essential you talk to a therapist. My question is why are you meeting with a marriage counselor? If you would contact a domestic violence organization they have you come in and talk to a intake counselor. Then they would hook you up with services such as one on one counseling and support groups. Susan you don't know how important it is for you to give this a try. I wouldn't bring it up so much if I didn't think it would help you profoundly. Brett is an addict but he's also manipulative and controlling and you would really benefit from receiving help. You will see that Brett isn't unique, and you will be able to get some really good support and insight into the situation from people that have been there and aren't emotionally tied to the situation so they can give you their unbiased opinions. Had I not sought help from the domestic violence organization DAWN here in Seattle I most likely would've returned to my ex eventually. Even though I was angry and said I was done and I no longer felt a loving connection I still would've returned because it was what I knew best. It was comfortable to me even thought it was dysfunctional. I would've rationalized how it would be easier just to return than to put forth the effort to actually change my life.

Having the structure and accountability of the group really helped me stay strong. Having the restraining order really helped me avoid all contact with him. Receiving validation that is was perfectly okay to deny my ex visitation until he could prove he was clean by completing a inpatient treatment program, following up with outpatient, living in a clean and sober environment be it alone or in a house with others, submitting to random drug testing in the form of hair strand tests and observed urine analysis for a period of 12 months, attending 12 step meetings and working the steps, and having a mental health evaluation and following up with the recommended course of treatment. They assured me that it was not too much to ask for him to be sober and prove it in order to see his son. I wasn't a monster. I hadn't done this to him, that's what he wanted me to believe. He had done this to himself by continuing to use drugs. In fact he would just be dealing with the consequences of his actions and actually be accountable for once. That wouldn't be hurting him, in fact I would be doing him a favor.

So I urge you to seek help from a domestic violence organization. It's free, it's confidential. They often have childcare so you can attend support groups and counseling. They often have kids groups that help them process their feelings without being intrusive or pushy. Stay strong and stick with you plan. If you want things to change then you have to change them. You never have to feel this way again if you don't want to. For that to happen you have to do the work though. I believe you are capable. Good luck.

Jamie