That's great that you got your meds and got to talk to your shrink. Keep up with regular visits Susan. I'm glad you said you're done volunteering and ready to start being a survivor. It will be difficult in the beginning but you can and will get through this if you are really truly honest to god done repeating the same cycle over and over with Brett. It won't stop and each time it will get progressively worse and worse for you and the kids. His mother has chosen to take him back in, that's her choice. You don't have to listen to her now and you sure don't have to listen to her when shyt hits the fan again and she is complain complain complain mode. Limiting your contact with that family would be in your best interest Susan. If you continue contact they will wear you down over time and make it seem easier to give in and take Brett back versus sticking to your decision and putting forth the hard work to make a new life for yourself and your kids.

I know it feels natural to talk about meth and Brett when talking to your psych but I would like to urge you to really try and focus on Susan from now on because in the long run talking about Brett and meth will get you nowhere and talking about Susan and addressing and working through Susan's issues will have a profoundly positive effect on your life. It's easy to talk about other people and their problems instead of talking about uncomfortable stuff regarding ourselves. I know, I've been right where you are today. Only I didn't own my own house and I didn't have a job like you do and I still made it. The focus has been on Brett for far too long. It's your time now.

Growing up in a alcoholic home, marrying alcoholics and addicts, battling with alcoholism, feeling incomplete without a man, domestic violence relationships--these are some issues to really consider addressing with your psych. He can help you process these issues over time and you will emerge with higher self esteem and a sense of self worth nobody can take away. You have to tell yourself that you are worth it Susan. You are. You can do this. In the beginning I followed the advice others gave me even if it felt uncomfortable doing so because it was in my best interest to do so. I never ever thought I would leave my son's father. After awhile I started to feel like he was my burden to bear in life and that the only way to be rid of him would be to rent him an apartment of his own. That's how responsible I felt for him, it was like he was my child instead of my equal partner in life.

Counseling and support groups helped me accept that I wasn't responsible for housing him, feeding him, clothing him, etc. I learned that he is a grown man and that his helpless act is really a form of manipulation, an act I fell for over and over again. He was totally capable of calling drug dealers, setting up hustles to make money, and so forth. I learned it's not my fault that he won't get a job, fill out an application for an apartment, follow through with treatment, etc. Once I realized that I should've never felt responsible for someone else like they were my child I started to let go of the guilt. My ex was a pro at turning things around and making his mess up's my fault somehow. So when I kicked him for good and he returned two days later and kidnapped our son he blamed me kicking him out as the reason why he took my son. It never was his fault in his eyes, always someone else's.

With the support and counseling my messed up thinking started to change. When I kicked my ex out for good I felt like I missed him on some level for quite awhile. I didn't miss supporting him, I didn't miss the drama, I didn't miss him staying up all night, I didn't miss the cheating/stealing/lying--so once I really analyzed it I realized I was missing an illusion of what I thought he could be. I wasn't missing who he really was. I was holding on to how he was in the beginning, even the worst abusers are nice in the beginning to hook their victims. The key is learning that "who they really are" is the person who is addicted to drugs, verbally abusive, irresponsible and so forth. The "fake" was the nice image they presented in the beginning of the relationship. Many abused women have it the other way around thinking the nice guy in the beginning was the "real" him when that is the furthest thing from the truth.

Brett is going to try to get back in your good graces Susan. He will first try the same old promises and if you don't accept those lame lines then he will come up with some new tactics. That's why no contact is the way to go. You mention he hasn't called. So if he calls would you accept the call? And if the answer is yes, why? I hope you don't have contact with him Susan. Nothing has changed with him. Nothing. Don't let him use the child as ammo to see you. Tell him he can take you to court if he wants to get visitation but that you will bring up evidence of his drug use and then follow through with it. The restraining order and phone number changes would be the first thing I would do to avoid contact because contact is what makes you take him back again and again. He's been given too many chances as it. Think of it like this--maybe this is what it takes for him to get his life right, losing his family and having no contact with his child. Maybe that will motivated him eventually, maybe not. Either way you will be in a better place.

I do know continuing to take him back won't help him. He hasn't hit bottom yet. He hasn't lost anything. He still has people taking care of him. Don't let that person be you. If he is allowed to see his child, have contact with you, you give him a place to stay, well he then has NO reasons to stop using. So you do you, you do what's best for you and your kids and let him go his own way. Maybe he'll get it together eventually, maybe he won't. Don't gamble with you and your kids future based on him "maybe" getting clean. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.

Jamie