Yes, indeed, me too.

I mean, there is a point when someone has blown so much smoke up your ass (pardon the pun) that you are just DONE. DONE. I cannot even imagine dealing with someone's lies and BS over and over and over and over, and nothing changes. Or it gets worse. If something smells like a turd, and looks like a turd, it's probably a turd. Some of the BS stories people doing drugs actively will try to tell are so far from reality, and you hear it, and you think, "Did you really BELIEVE that mess?" And people say, "yes, I did....even though I found those underwear in our bed that are 8 times too big or small for me, and he says, well they must have been yours, I thought, well, maybe they were." Or "they're our daughter's and was probably washed with the bedding." Sure they were. She's eight, she probably wears thongs. "Yes, darling, I believe that you caught crabs from a toilet seat, and the bank screwed up is why we are $8,000 in the hole. You lost your job because your boss is a 'prick who doesn't like you' even though you've been friends since high school and he was our best man. Sure, I believe you stayed at your mom's last night because the car broke down even though it's fine now and apparently repaired itself because it is Christine. And your mom saying she hasn't seen you in a week....well, she's probably just old and forgot. Sure, that bag of drugs I found is your friend's, and you are just holding it' even though NOBODY holds drugs for someone else and it's the biggest line of BS on earth. I wuv you soooo much."

And sometimes, you can watch someone literally fabricating the stupidest lie in the history of the world, and you realize....omg....they even believe their own stupid lie!

And not everyone....hell, not even MOST people who do drugs are bad people.....but that being said, you don't leave your stuff laying around, jewelry, money, etc...because why chance it? It isn't going to change someone into a raging sociopath, but come on....it doesn't bring out the best in anyone. I didn't steal...much lol...but there was an incident involving me, my friend, and a bottle of Adderal once. I didn't steal...but, I wasn't broke. Maybe, I just wasn't that desperate. If I had no money, no food, and nowhere to go, I'm sure it would have been far more tempting.

And, there are some unsavory characters you occasionally are interacting with. Do you like them? Probably not some of them. Do you trust them? Not too far. There are people who will throw you under the bus for nothing. There are people who are so sketchy you don't turn your back, and people who are so annoying you want to slap them. There are people who damn well might kill you, places you see nasty things, and there are the people you DON'T mess with, because they are scary, and if you owe them money, they might take the payment in your blood...and it will NOT be quick.

And there is more than that....there is the realization that you LOST however many years, dealing with people you really don't like, chasing a buzz that isn't ever going to be like it was, that isn't worth it...and you think, I could have spent that time with my kids, but they've grown up....or my mom/dad/grandma/etc, but they're dead. It was a fcking waste, and the stupidity and enormity of it brings you to your knees, cuts you to the core. And you think, I only had one life, and I ruined it.

But then, there is a little glimpse of light, thinking, maybe it can be okay, maybe, I can be okay, and get past this, and maybe, I can warn someone else, so they don't fck up like I have, and you cling to this shred of hope, and you watch other people and you say, "noooo! Please! I've read this book already, I know how it ends...please listen!" And they don't, and you watch the same thing, over and over, because the basic story is always the same. And it makes your heart break.

USUALLY a person who turns to drugs isn't a happy person, there is often a hidden hurt, you are trying to make the pain go away.

Why did I do it? Because it was there. Because I hurt.

There is often an underlying thing. And don't get me wrong, it was MY choice, MY decision, 100%. I chose it because it was there, and I tried it, and it made me feel better. I had a sh*t childhood. But there are other ways I could have dealt. I haven't dealt yet.

It was not my husband's fault. Not at all. But let's just say, at the time, he wasn't the most loving and supportive person. He was pretty damn hard on me. My behavior was, on the surface, a way to get more done, because believe me, he expected perfection from me. That's what he was used to. I worked two jobs, took care of the house, and the kids, and that's just what I did, because I was a control freak and didn't know what else to do. And no matter how hard I tried, or how high I jumped, he always expected more...and so did the kids. The bar was constantly moved just a little higher, can't you run a bit faster, and take care of our needs just a little better? Can't you try harder? OK, now try harder again. Where are my favorite socks? The lawn is a mess! Can you work for me tonight? Come on!

I was bound to break, something had to happen. I needed more energy, I had stuff to do. But beyond that, it was a subconscious way to say, "Hey, mister! You better pay me some attention here!" It was the only way I knew, without knowing, to give him a wake up call. And I was so scared of him, of him realizing I was not miss perfect, and not a robot, there to take care of all life's little problems tirelessly, without any appreciation or love.

And damn if he didn't step up.

I love my husband. If I had never done drugs, I might never have realized what a fcking amazing human being he is.

Life's funny like that.