Day 13 down! I have to say, last night was the hardest night yet. After work, i went to the gym and worked out. Felt great! Actually had energy. Real energy! Came home, gave my son a bath, put him to sleep then started cleaning up. Straightening up the bedroom, the closet, while i was cleaning the closet i found the little tin that i used to store my !%#+ in. I opened it out of curiosity then.....aw !%#+, theres the little ziplock bag that didnt get tossed. Ok i can do this, theres not even enough to get high on, so in the trash it goes. Cleaning some more, ooops, #*#%, theres the shot glass i used to pour acetone in and clean my !%#+ with....still had residue in it. Off to the sink that goes. Thankfully i learned meth is water soluble so on goes the sink, rinse it out ok good thats clean. Then i move a hiking boot. Goddamit #*#% my life! Theres a syringe that didnt get tossed. I pull back the plunger, my blood is coagulated in the bottom. I start thinking if theres a way to scrape together enough for a shot, hey i can clean this thing im good then i look at the tattoo on my arm. A shattered mirror with the hole originating right at the spot i used to inject in. Nightmares spelled out across my forearm. With night on one side of the hole and mares on the other. Even nightmares is shattered. 2013 in one of the shards of broken glass. 2013, my year of shattered nightmares. Then it all hits me. Everything i did. Everyone i hurt. The people i almost killed. The way i damaged and almost destroyed my life. I went to the bed and just cried. I cried for probably 15 minutes. My higher power is my son. My family. I talked to my sleeping son. I cried to him. Apologized to him. Prayed to him. I texted my wife. I told her what happened. For the first time in the last year, she genuinely showed concern. Held me. Told me she forgave me. How? I cant even forgive myself! Told me itd be alright. She got out the 12 steps. We read and re-read steps 1-3. Explaining them to each other. Read the reading of the day. I remembered something from NA "delay your cravings by an hour" we timed it. 37 minutes. Then it subsided. The tears went away. Then i went to sleep. Another day complete.....clean. Have a good night everyone. There's hope yet.