So the holidays sucked. And i played a big part in that. I let the bad events play on my mind and relapsed. I really was doing good until december. Then i allowed my mind to convince myself it was ok to use to get rid of the depressed and down feelings. We all know how that goes, a little is ok, so more must be better right? WRONG! Oh how wrong I was. I jumped into main lining it. And then got sold some really bad %%$#, THEN main lined that. Im such an idiot. Ive been in constant contact with 20 wasted years in an effort to stay clean this time. Im surprised im not in jail. The monster returned, and with a vengeance. I dont even want to think about that time period let alone talk about it right now. The good news is that since January 1st at 1pm i have been clean. I made the decision and stuck with it. That of course, for me anyways, is the easy part. Im almost completely through the exhaustion phase of withdrawing. My interests are starting to come back. I went to NA on Sunday and will be going to this sundays as well. Called one of the guys today about advice on dealing with me dealer as he continued to call despite me telling him what happened. Great "friend" huh? Instead of "%%$# man, are you ok? How can i help you get clean" it was "hey man, i got a new batch, nothing like the old. Ill buy back whatever you have left or trade you straight across for the new stuff". I told him if he wanted the old %%$# he can swim the sewers cause i flushed it and that as for new stuff, he can keep it. Im done. Done with meth. Done with addiction. Done with being controlled. Heres an email i sent Carol a few minutes ago:
"I just came home to the best thing in a long time: my son said its good that im happy again, my little one gave me a hug and my wife is awake and actually smiled and gave me a hug when she saw ME! No questions about how good the stuff is, how the deal went down, is this person good, etc. Talk about extremes for reasons to stay clean, the monster i became and the love i was just shown. "
We are all fallable. Im no exception. Due to my successes in life, I needed to re-learn that lesson. Its a class a will never repeat again.