Hi.  Welcome to KCI.

Sounds like you're in quite a predicament as far as seeking medical/professional help.  That's too bad.  I agree that you would probably benefit greatly from it.

But okay, many of us did this without that resource.

I would suggest that you avoid any and all confrontations until your brain chemistry levels out, which can take quite a while.  I further suggest that using the fact that you're naturally an a-hole to engage in confrontations will not further your recovery.  In fact, it could very well thwart your recovery by shifting your focus away from the primary, and apparently acute task at hand.

Listen, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of addicts get and stay clean - it is not impossible.  Paramount in my recovery was following the lead of those who came before me in this process, but I first had to accept that my brain was out of whack.  It told me things that flew in the face of what was suggested by those further along in recovery.  For instance, it told me that I could get through the first days/weeks/months of not using meth by drinking alcohol.  I mean, that would lessen the severity, right?

Wrong.  REALLY, REALLY WRONG.  Of course, I had to learn the hard way.

So my best advice to you is: listen to those who have done this, and when your brain tells you to fight their suggestions, stop and digest what they say instead. 

Moving from active addiction into recovery is a process, and your journey will not be identical to anyone else's.  However, the 12 steps helped me find what worked for me.  They are suggestions, not concrete answers.  By working them, you may discover what will work for you - long term.

I did NA meetings in person, but I understand your need for absolute confidentiality, so you might look in to NA meetings online.  I know they exist.

Another factor that was key to my recovery was unwavering DETERMINATION.  By the time I got clean, death was imminent.  There was no question about it.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I continued using I was going to die - and soon.  So okay, big deal.  I didn't care about dying.  But then I played the tape forward to after my death, and I saw before me the legacy I would be leaving behind for my child.  He would have to carry the shame of burying his drug addicted mother for the rest of his life.  He would have to wrestle with the fact that his own mother didn't love him enough to stick around.

So I became determined to live, or die, clean and sober.  I believed, for a time, that I couldn't live without meth.  But I decided that I was willing to die trying, so that's what I did.  And you know what?  I didn't die.  In fact, every day for the last 17+ years since I walked, no, since I ran away from my 13 year addiction to meth has been a BONUS.

Finally, know that life will not get perfect after you are clean.  Life will never get perfect.  In fact, it might get worse before it gets better, but do not let that dissuade you.  ADDICTION IS HELL ON EARTH.  You know that now, so remove it from the equation of your life, and in time you will learn that if you live right - if you choose to do the next right thing each and every time you have that opportunity, then you will at least be able to live within your own skin with a clear conscience and a healthy balance.

That's really what much of life is about - finding balance.  Taking the good with the bad in stride, and being a person you can feel proud of, no matter what life throws at you.








Last Edited By: nineyearsclean Oct 27 13 8:01 AM. Edited 1 times.