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Tweekerland Meth Speed Bumps
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Posts: 326
Jan 16 12 11:01 PM
traveller wrote:Invariably, I would relapse. I mean, it just happened over and over again. Sometimes, I felt like I wanted to. Other times, it was as if I were a passenger in my own body, watching and knowing what would happen even though I couldn't summon a single reason why I would want to do this.When I finally quit for good (touch wood), when I had gotten past day 30 and day 60... I found myself in a strange and lonely place.A place that I daresay is like a desert of the soul for the addict. A place where it would be very easy to turn back.I felt lonely. Not just any lonely. But this deep and profound loneliness. I was detached even from myself.Not only had I lost most of who I actually was to drugs, but I had completely lost contact with who I was "in my own head" before. So not only did I have very few connections to our real world, but I also had no real connection to what I would want. Or what wanting even meant.It was like some strange twilight that I couldn't get out of, nor pull anyone into.LOOKING BACKI think I was in mourning. Here's what I mean.When I was using Meth, gradually Meth began to fill every role in my life. (substitute "when I was with my addict")It was the thing that made me feel good (taking the place of friends, work, family, hobbies).It was the thing that made me feel bad (see list above)It was the thing I chased, and it was the thing I ran fromAnd I don't mean in some frenzied, wild-eyed way. It was so much more than that.I literally mean it took the place in my mind and in my body where my friends and family and work and love used to reside.Because, if you think about it, those places are always filled by what is presently in your life.That's how we survive and move on. New hobbies replace old, new loves replace lost ones. We never forget family or friends, but the ones who actually provide us with daily interaction are the ones that contribute to our sense of who we are.SO YOU SEEI'm not being clever when I say that Meth had actually become my friends and family. My work and my play.And what happened to me when I got sober was I went through a really powerful period of LOSS.There was a void in all the places Meth had been.And forget for a moment the fact that Meth was horrible. That doesn't change the fact that it was my one and only friend. My lone career. My lover.Getting clean meant leaving them ALL - at once.And so I can say it was one of the saddest and scariest times I've ever had.I wish I had understood this at the time, that what I was feeling was natural and understandable.I wish I had known that even though it was the Devil I was missing, that didn't mean it was shameful to feel sad. I wasn't crying for Meth. I was crying because I was empty.I know every experience of life is different. But when I think of our new friends on here, or people reading who will never post...I hope they won't feel as ashamed of feeling sad as I did.I hope they will realize that the holes left by Meth can and will be filled by people, passions, and life IF we are patient and let it happen.Faster still if we force ourselves to go out and seek, even when we are stuck on the couch and terrified.We don't stay alone forever. And yes, this right now may very well be as empty as you will ever feel.But you really can use that as a chance to start over. And you actually do get the chance to be more mindful of what you fill your life with than many 'normal' people who might not lose so much so fast.
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