Day 4: Couldn't be more different from how I felt this time yesterday. I'm frustrated at life. I get paid tomorrow and I feel resentful that I have to spend all that money on Christmas presents. Why should I spend my money on these people? It's because I'm obligated! They're obligated to get me presents, just like I'm obligated to get them presents. There's no joy in giving this year. I hate the sound of Christmas songs, the taste of Christmas food, the site of Christmas decorations. If I had it my way, I'd skip Christmas and spend it alone in my room in a cloud of smoke. Of course I know what's causing these feelings of resentment. Tomorrow is when I would normally find temporary relief of these negative feelings and when I don't find the relief, these feelings are going to come back worse. Still, I'm not going to use tomorrow. Or the next day or any day between now and Christmas. I know that if I chose to skip Christmas, I'd regret it later. What if this is the last year for some of my older relatives and I miss it because I want to get high? No, I will not use. I'll grit my teeth through Christmas and I'm sure I'll have fun. I hope. Please, no more comments, "If you use, you will die." I know that. I know all of the bad consequences of using, that's why I'm not going to. I'm just documenting my emotions for now.