Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply!

It almost brought me to tears, I can really feel the pain in your words.

I agree, I don't think indifference is 100% possible. At least, not on the inside. And yes, it's because we still genuinely care for them and want them to be happy and healthy. I do the same as you described - talking on the phone, or in person (which is more difficult) and acting indifferent. But then once I've hung up, or he's gone, I cry just as you do. Sometimes, it's just as an emotional release, sometimes it's because of something he's said, and sometimes it's because I too feel sorry for him. I have never been able to control my tears, but now I can, and for something that makes me want to cry the most! It's a silly little achievement, but it makes me feel stronger nonetheless.

I remember the "fake it til you make it" slogan.... I can't count the number of times I repeated that to myself. I still do sometimes, when I feel I'm not able to cope, I just "fake it" and I guess the above situation of crying out of sight of him is an example of that.

I'm so sorry to hear that your ex has spiralled further down... it is heart-wrenching. I think I understand what you were saying now. When I found out that my ex was facing the possibility of jail time, I thought "how did my life end up like this?" Then I realised, as you said, that my side of the street was clean. It was not me facing jail time. And that I did not have any reason to feel responsible or guilty for the choices that he made. I was on the brink of going back to the crazy person I worked so hard to leave behind (the old me). Now that was one hell of a challenge. To not get involved or be opinionated or lecturing or anything else. I don't know if I achieved that 100% indifference, but it was good enough. Good enough for me to remain sane, and for him to feel comfortable enough to actually talk to me. 

But seeing him or talking to him makes me uncomfortable, it puts me on edge in a way I cannot describe. And I think it might have something to do with what you described - the man you knew is dead. Mine is too. So, I feel as if I am talking to a stranger. Having deep conversations about recovery and feelings with a stranger is very unsettling.... I was obsessed too, with trying to bring the man I knew back from the dead. But we all know that isn't possible. Yeah, obsessions are very difficult to break. Now I just feel sad. For my loss, but even more so for the losses he is bringing himself every day. Last time we spoke, he said he had been meth-free for 8 weeks. I do not know if and for how long that will last, but it is no longer my business. Which, was a very difficult thing to teach myself - to not get emotionally invested in his successes or failures.

I'm not perfect, I have my bad days, where I feel sad and helpless and all the rest of it. But, they come a lot less often than they used to.

You described it perfectly, our stories are sad. Both sides. It's funny, I am also grateful for my ex leaving me. It was the kindest thing he'd done to me for years. Which, in itself, is sad too...

I am extremely guarded too! Way-over-the-top scared out of my mind terrified of getting hurt or being in a similar situation again. It's all about being burned and not wanting to get too close to the fire again... It's a huge struggle but one I do not want to give up on.

We can talk more in PM if you like.

xx