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Posts: 1611
Sep 13 11 5:41 AM
seahorse wrote:Something I have learned, which has had a huge impact on my everyday sanity, was to not qualify things. You said:"When he was clean he was a wonderful man even if it was all a show (and I believe it was). My side of the street is clean because I know I wasn't lying or faking anything and I still had a blast. " I did the same thing. There was always a "but" or a "even if" or a "in spite of." Let go of all the past injuries (e.g. it being all a show, his lies, his faking). Because when we qualify things, we are really trying to convince ourselves that we are victims, we are amazingly loving and caring people, and they are not. I used to even think that there was no way he loved me as much as I loved him, or I used to say he never knew what love was. BUT how am I to know what he felt? And even if I did, would it make a difference? Addiction has nothing to do with love.I felt like a victim for a very long time.......but I really don't think I do any longer. I know that I played an ample part in the dysfunction too. When I said 'my side of the street was clean'......I wasn't trying to put myself on a pedestal.....in fact, it was just the opposite. I put myself on a pedestal with him for so long thinking that I was the only one that could help him.......I turned myself into a martyr......and I learned the hard way that was all wrong. At the end of the day.......I really had no control. I am well aware that I can't love him clean. When I said that it was all a show......I really believe in my heart that he is a Narcissistic Sociopath. He meets almost all of the criteria. But you are right.....I do not know how he felt........and I never will. I choose not to engage at all if I can help it. Some days I think indifference will never come for me. It is hard, at times, for me to try to convince myself that he was faking his feelings for me for 25 yrs. To be honest, the reason I posted this topic is because I had been knocked off-balance a few days earlier. We had talked in person, and things he said and did made the same qualifying feelings and thoughts rush back into my mind. It hit me pretty hard. And it was a huge struggle to remember, and get back to, the place of acceptance. I had to just let it all go. Everything, all over again. I had thoughts like "I never did that, he did this, that and the other.... I was so amazing and supportive and loving and he was not" Etc etc etc..... Basically, I was putting myself up on a pedestal, because I felt like a victim again. I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was a good person because I still cared about him even though he had done all of these things to me. But, none of that mattered. And it took me a few days to remember that.I do not believe my side of the street is clean. I have made mistakes. I have said horrible things. I have been selfish, rude, cold. Things I would never do in a relationship now, whether it be romantic or plutonic. It sounds like you feel you need to convince yourself that you're the "good guy." It's like a war. Both armies do terrible things, and have to justify their actions to the general public. In our situation though, justification is not letting things go. You can squeeze that rock as hard as you like, but no water will ever flow from it. This is going to sound really bad, but I'm only saying it because I have done the exact same thing, and it did nothing to help me: Put yourself on a pedestal and him on the floor all you like, but it will not make you feel any better. I can assure you......this is not what my intention is. At this very moment......the man that I have loved over half of my life is stealing anything that is not tied down, he is homeless, he probably hasn't slept at all in 2 weeks, he can't funtion as a member of society. He has theft charges pending in at least 3 counties that I know of and he is headed BACK to prison for the upteenth time. If anything, I feel sorry for him. Because I know he is not happy. I know that has to be a miserable existance. I do believe my side of the street is clean because I have to let it all be what it is. If he makes the choices to break the law and be sent back to prison then there is not one damn thing I can do about that. A year ago......I was so crazy that I would've been following him and trying to find him and begging him to come home and I am not doing those things any longer because I know where it takes me. And I don't have any desire to go back there again. It's a deep, dark place. I have visited it many, many times and I don't care to become a resident again. My side of the street is clean. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. And I feel good about that. Yes, I played a part.....a very big part.......but I have to forgive myself for that and move forward. And I have to forgive him......I may not be all the way there yet......but I am a hell of a lot closer today than I was yesterday......Forgiveness comes when you lose all hope of changing the past. Think back... how long have you been telling yourself, and other people these things? How many times have you listed all the good things you did and all the bad things he did? Those thoughts will circulate through you over and over and over. Why? Because they are empty. They offer no growth, no satisfaction. They are worthless. Why? Because it does not matter! Why doesn't it matter? Because you can't change it! You cannot change what happened, you cannot figure out who was right or wrong, you cannot control anything he does or did! The only way you will feel better, not only about yourself, but about the whole situation (and life) in general, is to let it go. What is letting it go? It is:* Not having an opinion on things that happen out of your control. In the past, and the present. * Not thinking about things that have happened.* Not being angry, resentful, guilty or hurt.* Not caring who was right or wrong.* Not caring if things ever get resolved or not (i.e. closure).* Forgiving yourself.* Forgiving him/her.* Surrendering, and accepting that things just happened, and nothing or no one can change that.I know this is a really long reply, but I saw the little trap in your words, and couldn't ignore it. Don't qualify things, because you will hold on to them, and not let them go."I still feel at times that I will never love another man the way I love him. I feel at times like the love never ends.......but.......that is real love, right? And there is nothing wrong with that. It lets me know that I am capable of loving.....really loving.....and who knows what may happen some day."You won't love another man the way you love him. Because every relationship is different, therefore you love each person differently, because you love them for different reasons, different characteristics. Or, different needs in yourself. For example, I have come to realise that I did my husband a great injustice, because I loved him because I needed to be loved. Not because I thought we were a good match. I used to put myself up on a pedestal, thinking I loved him in spite of all his "shortcomings." But what this really meant was, I actually didn't love him. I think a similar thing happened to him. We were both very young, and unstable. Two unstable people coming together hold onto each other for the wrong reasons. Not because they truly and respectfully love each other.I think the "love" does end. Obsession, however, does not. Think of when someone dies. We love them, we mourn them. After a while, we don't think of them, except now and then. Love does come and go. If you don't stop loving someone when they are no longer a part of your life, or if they treat you badly, then perhaps you are loving them for the wrong reasons (e.g. like me, you just want to love and be loved/needed: aka co-dependency).It's funny that you say these things about death......I have to treat this like a death in my mind. The man I thought he was is gone (if he was ever there to begin with) he is dead so to speak. Drugs have forever changed who he is and it is my belief that he won't return from that. I pray every day that I am wrong. And I do believe that the obsession does end. But it takes work. I have worked really hard to not be obsessed. I was obsessed with every thing that had anything to do with him. Today I am not. But I do still love him. I care for his well being. I pray for his safety daily. I pray for his recovery daily. I pray for his happiness daily. These are genuine thoughts and wishes. I genuinely want these things for him because I love him. And for that very reason, I wonder if indifference will ever be a possibilty for me. I pray for that too. I have actually been thinking a lot lately about what "real love" means. To me, it is when you care about someone, but have no desire to change them. Or perhaps, I am just describing a healthy relationship. I care about the addict in my life, but don't try to control or change him. I respect him enough to allow him to make his own life choices. Therefore, I just nod and smile when he says things which make me uncomfortable. Or, if it is something serious, voice my discomfort, but then let it go, and leave it with him to make his own choice.However, it is not a romantic love. Because romantic love is respectful, supportive, and MOST IMPORTANTLY equal on both sides!Under this definition, my husband and I did not love each other. Both sides were at fault. The relationship I'm in now, though, fits this description. We shall see how things go.I wish you the best with this new relationship. It sounds like you are in a much better place than I am to handle that sort of thing. I am seeing someone but it certainly isn't serious. And I know I am guarded too. I don't want to ever go through something that tramatic again. It will take time for me to feel less guarded I'm sure. I am constantly analysing my thoughts and feelings, because I do not want to get trapped by them again. I have respect for myself now. I will not stay in a relationship which is wrong for me. I have respect for other people, I will not try to change them. If I do not agree with a major part of their personality, then I should not be in a relationship with them. Co-dependency will try tell you to stay, that they need you to help them. That they will be grateful once you show them the right path. But that's all a load of rubbish. Let it go, and move on. All we can control is ourselves. So focus on that. I try not to analyze my thoughts too much......that would almost be obsessing to me. I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and then I try really hard to let it go. My ex called me a couple of weeks ago. He never does that.......anymore.......he follows me or some stupid shyt like that but he never just calls me and faces me head-on like that. I answered the phone only because I didn't know who it was. It rocked me. It was a very short and sweet convo. I did my best to remain monotone. And I hung up with a polite 'good-bye'. I sat there.....dazed for a moment.....I cried my little eyes out......and then I let it go. I had to. If I don't......it's going to do nothing but do more harm to my mind. And God knows.......I don't need anymore of that! LMAO!I put all the energy I used to put into trying to control him, into controlling myself. It changed my life!!!! Control over my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviour. All of these things I had just allowed to go wild and feral. Then I started to actually have self-control and I feel so free, happy and well... in control of my life!!I agree 100%!!!! Self-control is a blessing!I can stand there and say "I don't have anything to say about that" when he tells me he got arrested. That is a huge deal for me. Because, as you can imagine, I had a lot of opinions floating around in my head, but the difference between now, and a year ago, is that I realise that none of it matters. Because I can only control myself. So, I did. I controlled what I said, and my body language. Everything else, I just let go.Big hugs ox
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