Things I never thought I would do:

I've gone from being a chronic overeater and sedentary stump to playing roller derby competitively. Never, ever in a million years did I ever think that I could ever be an athlete. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure, this derby thing, but sometimes I am still in awe of just how good I have it, being part of this sport. I am also a coach and a role model for other aspiring athletes, and I LOVE what I do.

I've traveled to Argentina by myself for almost a month. I planned it, paid for it with my own money, and had a great time.

I finally have my very own apartment and I am never late on rent.

I escaped my horrible corporate job that was sucking my soul away, and now have a job that I NEVER thought I would have (I do casting for gay porn) that is fun, I work with seriously awesome people, and get to use creativity.

I have some self respect. I lived under the burqa of self hatred since as long as I can remember. I don't hate myself anymore... seriously, from the bottom of my heart I don't hate me like I used to. I now just struggle with "normal people" problems, for the most part. I can handle that.

I stopped being ruled by fear. I am no longer afraid to cry if I need to, fail miserably at something if I have to, or fear that I am too weak. I let myself be weak when I need to. I used to think that it was an abomination to show any kind of vulnerability or weakness, be less intelligent or strong than anyone else. I wanted to hurt before I got hurt.

I'm not afraid to give up some control anymore. Ever since I did that, I just feel so much more like a human.



Don't even get me started on my friends. I am still in awe of the wonderful people I now have in my life. Like you Jmorris, I am still getting used to the fact they even want to know me. I am so lucky.


My life is not perfect, and you know this because I post when it's not good. I don't have it all figured out. But I'm human, and that's all I want. I gave up the meth, and I am willing to give up the roller derby, or any thing else to hold on to that human feeling. All I ever wanted was to be normal, and every night when I feel gratitude for laying in my own bed, in safety, I can revel in the fact that I finally just became like anybody else.... (who has to keep her addiction in check).