Lax, that takes a LOT of recovery to do what you did and walk away from that. I would not have that strength. I know you don't like me and think I am full of shyt but I just wanna say good job buddy. It is tough for one of us to walk away from the parTy.

Hemet , thanks girl. I do not feel I deserve love and maybe that is my problem. Maybe I have a right to be here and maybe I do not, I see people stay clean and not use and do this year after year on KCI and I just cannot seem to get it so I don't know. I know DEEP in my heart that I do the best I know how to stop and recover but for some reason I am blocked, I keep using and I cannot seem to stop. I was sitting down after coming down last night ( yes, another relapse) cleaning up after my kitten and I felt this overwhelming feeling of emptiness, this feeling of being totally lost like a kid lost from his parents in the middle of nowhere. I have felt this many times throughout my 6+ year addiction to Meth but never so soon after starting up again. I had a dream last night
that I was trapped on an island and that is what this is all about .. I feel trapped by this drug like I never have before.... my wife is incredible support and I have EVERY reason in the world to quit , but as I know from rehabs in past and I saw a famous addiction doctor say on TV to family member of an addict that not family, health, kids, or anything can make an addict stop. I am powerless and my life is unmanageable YET again. I know what to do because I have been to countless rehabs and been in the program for years .. I just feel my addiction has convinced me I can do this on my own and I don't know how to fix it. I really don't.


I am trying to get help, I know I cannot get better on my own. Every time I use I beg God not to let me die and promise never to use again, but two days later there I am smoking up again. I cannot promise myself or anyone anything because I am trapped, hopefully with the grace of God I can make it ... but I have serious doubts.


I listen to this song and sing it to myself ... it is called " save you " Here are the lyrics.



"Save You"

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)