jessietheblonde wrote:
I had a little too much coffee and sat down to go through my memoirs that I wrote when I was using. I thought I would share one of them with you guys. Here it goes;     

The Begining of the journal, April 24th 2010    I always talked about making a tweeker book. In the qquotations of a friend, "Why don't people ever do what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it?" Well, here it is. I am sitting in someone else's home, attempting to find some way to get high. My boyfriend is mad at me because my new car is off limits to even him and everyone else is busy finding their own way in this world...whatever that may be.

This alternate universe is filled with all kinds of people- rich/poor, white/black, short/tall, fat/thin, pretty/ugly- all attempting to cover over some deep-seeded fear, anger or strife. All brought together by one nasty chemical combination we call crystal/ice/glass/%@@#/meth, and deep down not a one of us is happy. Molestation/abandonment/abuse/neglect, whatever the reason all of these unlikely people have been linked together, the reality is that all of us have issues that we are avoiding.

Families lost, material values stolen or left behind, we live for the high. Day in and day out we "hustle" to get the drug, food and shelter. Most of us know no other life. Some, as lucky as myself, have lived the life of properity on the alternate plane with money, security and people who love us just because. Why do we contine this dispicable way of living? For the adrenaline, the new found love of those around us and now we feel so down that the "real" way of life seems impossible. How do you come back from the other realm when you have nothing to build off of?

No money, no home, no drive to seek out the goals that you once had. And who will help? The state? Hell no. Family? Screwed them too many times. So on and on the monotonous life continues...I want to express great saddness for letting this drug ruin everything I have worked so damn hard for. My nursing degree, my family and all of my materail values, (including my car, my house etc.). Though after being hungry for the first time in my short existance, material values seem petty. That is how this country places value on your life.

Now I am grateful for every piece of food, clean pair of underwear and soft/warm place to sleep. There are those unfortunate moments that come every so often when I hope and pry for the end. Not that I would want to do it for fear of higher power repercussions, but that I just won't wake up or that a bus is so conviently making contact with my car hard enough to inflict a fatality. That way my soul would be void of unforgivable sin.

Then all other times of my entire daily energy is focused on keeping me and my boyfriend's unsatiable appetite for this evil drug. More than once I have seen pictures of myself where it is evident that I am possesed by a deamon. Eyes pitch black, no affect upon my usually pleasent face and all light sucked away as if I am being clouded by hell itself. I can't tell if a particular mixture of chemicals, lack of sleep, little nutrition (if any), and/or stress= my preminitions and deja vu; more and more it plagues my pschy. It could be attributed to the predictable way of this world or overwhelming natural instinct.

It gets creepier and creepier as it goes. When is it not predictable expect the absolutely unexpected. As insane as a conspiracy theory can sound, it can happen, trust me. ATF agents/informants/ undercover investigations, all just a "good story" in my ignorant mind, are real. I was at one time back in California a frequent attendee of narcotics anonymous and I used to scoff at the saying, "the only end is jails/institutions and death". I now believe it.

How do I fix my incredible mess without further damaging my bond with my family, my carrer as a nurse and my own opinion of myself? Answer=get high.                                       

-I am so lucky to have my grandparents who pulled me out of this never ending pit of hell. I am now 98 days clean and feeling better than ever.

As I go through my memoirs I will put them on here. It really seems to be helping. Thanks to all that read this.



Last Edited By: nineyearsclean Dec 7 10 11:08 AM. Edited 1 times.