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Posts: 3117
Dec 7 10 9:35 AM
This is a good topic.Anger..which can turn into hate...which can turn into revenge...which can turn into all sorts of nasty stuff can be so toxic....if we don't acknowledge it and deal with it properly.I was so ate up with pure hatred towards three different people in my life. I was literally sick from the fear, pain, hurt, anger, etc....all of the stages. I became obssessed with my pain. It was my identity.I literally...woke up thinking about it....went all day thinking about it...went to bed thinking about...dreamed about it...and started all over the next morning. I remember clearly....driving to work one morning....and I was grasping the steering wheel so tight...that my hands were hurting and discolored. I think for the first time, I stopped and was truly conscious of my thoughts....I was consumed by thoughts of my ex husband and his mother.....the things they did and said to me....the nasty tangled web I let myself get caught in.....the thoughts of the insanity would give me anxiety even.I called my dad...and just cried...I told him I couldn't take it anymore. I was so tired of the pain and anger. Well, I still wasn't quite tired enough....I distracted myself with other things....like my addict ex. For a while, it worked.Anyhow, once I got into my rape counseling after being in recovery for a while....I was terrified to let myself even feel the anger towards my ex husband...I was scared I might lose control and kill him or something....especially, when I realized, he is effecting my children's view of sex and women every time they are LEGALLY allowed in his care....But, suprisingly enough....with a professional, the tools of recovery, and my willingness.....I'm dealing with it, processing it, and finally moving on from being raped and repeatedly sexually assaulted while married to that predator. And, my girls....well, I'm doing what I can to help them survive him....The hardest thing BUT THE MOST FREEING THING IMO.....is when we can take responsibility for our own pain and choices. Like, Gina said....it's me that I'm truly angry at - at the end of the day....BUT, that gives me the ability to know what exactly I can change in the situation.
Even being raped, which was not my fault.....I still had to take responsibility for my pain. I sat in anger just over that fact for the LONGEST TIME...thankfully, I accepted reality and am moving on...
You all deserve better....so, I hope you (we) all continue on with recovery!
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