Seahorse,

As you well know.....I have LOTS of anger.....and yes, pain. I've been reflecting and thinking about it a lot lately too.....trying to figure out where to put it.....

It's kind of like I want to hold onto it in a sick sort of way.....I just want it to be gone until I need it.....so I try to 'store' it somewhere in my mind.......like we put our Christmas decorations in the attic.

And you are right when you say that we expect them to act a certain way......and when they don't it produces that anger and pain.....BUT the reason I, personally, expected him to act a certain way is because....well.....dammit he said he would. He said 1000 things that he never did. And I expected him to do those things because when I say I am going to do something......well.....dammit I do it.
I told someone yesterday that I feel like I am fighting cancer. I've never personally had cancer so I don't want to use that analogy and offend anyone.......but that is exactly like I feel. I feel like a disease of some sort has come in and taken over and inhabited my very being. I feel like I have had an atomic bomb dropped on my head. And it makes me very angry.